Pilot Peter • Episode 3
Alayah? Who?
The episode begins and don’t worry, everyone is still crying. Kelsey is still upset about her bottle of champagne, Hannah Ann(a) is still offended she would be accused of opening it. Bored of this storyline ABC, Champagnegate was so last week…
We are introduced to Alayah aaaand, who is this? I was legitimately today years old when I found out who she was. Has she been here the entire time? Eventually Kelsey and Hannah Ann(a) talk with Kelsey starting the conversation with the profound, “Last night wasn’t nice.” Ironic statement to begin with as HA begins listing off the names that Kelsey called her. Kelsey makes the very confusing (i.e. wrong) statement that speaking strongly to someone/calling them names is not bullying them. Bravo to the editors who did a quick cut to Grammy Natasha who was giving them the side eye look we were all doing at home. This girl is like a living GIF and I am all in.
More confusing talk later, Kelsey declares “It isn’t about the champagne, I don’t even really like champagne.” WHAT. We just spent the last 1.5 episodes on this and you don’t even like champagne? Hannah Ann(a), I’m with you…100% confused because for the last 48 hours it has seemed to really be about the champagne. Kelsey, congratulations you are still crazy.
We then transition to the episode’s 1-on-1 date with Victoria P. getting ready. GIRL: you need to give it up and buy a new palette. You have hit pan, hard. Could barely watch her smashing her makeup brush into the empty tin where shards of her powder were banging around.
Peter picks her up in an aggressively themed buffalo check shirt. He brings her to a Western store with rows of cowboy boots where he shows her how to line dance and they buy ugly items. It’s during this scene where I try to figure out if Vic P.’s hair is real or if those are really long extensions. Jury is still out on that one.
They end up going to a country line dancing bar…in the middle of the day. Peter says that he goes to this place all the time with his friends which for some reason really surprises me. Doug yells at the TV that he is vanilla. Pete and Vic P. start line dancing with a room full of extras. Cut to Peter’s talking head where he says, “The music was going crazy…” Calm down Peter, this isn’t a night club in Vegas, it’s a country Western bar at 11:30 am. Victoria P. takes it all in and declares that the scene is sexy at which point Doug says, “This is sexy? What is this the season of Bachelor milquetoast?” Peter and Vic P. go to the bar and homegirl orders WHITE WINE. Nothing screams I don’t belong here nor do I understand what’s happening like ordering a glass of white wine in a line dancing hall.
The evening part of their date is in a, you guessed it, airplane hanger. They pretend to eat while Peter Propeller says he might have found his dancing partner. She responds with, “I knew it was going to be good with you” and that’s about where we land. Vic P. decides it’s a good time to share her personal story of her dad passing away and her mom being an addict. While I completely respect the story and all she has been through as a human being, it just feels gross how these personal stories of tragedy are manufactured and packaged up by the show in these particular moments. It’s like emotional tic tack toe.
Peter then talks about how he prayed that God would protect his girl and when he said it, a shooting star went across the sky. I really can’t quite decide if he’s completely full of it, or the most sincere individual in the world. Jury is still out on that too. He ends up giving her a rose (despite her disaster ponytail situation) and she says that this is one of the best days of her life…which makes me sad for various reasons. She says in her talking head that she is falling in love with Peter. Again, these people have known each other for about a week and a half, can we all just take a collective breath. The date ends with a makeout sess in a plane.
We are back at the house with Alayah who is good and wine buzzed wearing Peter’s pilot hat. She’s yelling about how everyone thinks she’s so perfect because she does pageants. “People think I’m this sweet, elegant thing. Bro-I get nasty. I’m very good at putting on a face when I need to.” AND WE HAVE OUR VILLAN LADIES AND GENTS.
The date card comes and she so ‘elegantly’ yells cheers “B-words, I just love you.” Sydney’s talking head nails it: there’s just something off about her. Sydney: you get an A+ for observational skills because this girl is batty. After they call out the names for who is going on a date the next day, Alayah turns to the girl next to her and says, “How do you feel not going on a date.” Really just killing the friend game out here, goodness.
The next morning=time for the date. Demi from past seasons has resurrected herself for some reason along with a girl from Hot Topic and another accomplice who looks like she wrestles on a semi professional basis. Spoiler alert, Demi is still annoying. Her two random minions slam the sleeping beauties with pillows to wake them up and everyone gathers in the living room. These scenes are crucial because you get a peek at the group without hair or makeup. Some of them are really keeping up on those skin regiments and some are…not. As Demi so eloquently puts it, “Alright ladies, y’all look haggard AF.”
She introduces her friends as Champagne and Killer (surely) and says that they brought the outfits the girls will be wearing on the date. It’s ling-er-eee…yes that is how one of them pronounced it. Everyone gets silky PJs and other silk adjacent items while Savannah for some reason gets a muumuu and a robe. She’s sad, but to the party bus! They pull up to a saloon where a giant crowd of extras are gathered around a ring holding pillows that say random messages on them-clearly an intern drew all of these in a rush with whatever Sharpies production could find. Dime Demi welcomes them to Extreme Pillow Fight Club. My immediate thought: Tammy is about to go HAM on someone. Her talking head reveals she was on the Varsity Wrestling team and I’m fairly sure she is about to murder someone.
More shots of the crowd watching which is all women except for one Asian gentlemen who is looking extremely uncomfortable. Speaking of uncomfortable, Chris Harrison is there along with Fred Willard who tells us that this is Greek for pillows-smaketh-in-the-faceth (PS Fred-fire your agent ASAP).
DING! It’s time to fight. Tammy and Kelley fight first and Tammy ends up getting disqualified for tackling Kelley like she was a linebacker. This is just a bad idea y’all. Alayah fights Sydney (of course) which gets a bit messy (Peter shares, “I was feelin’ that.” Thanks for being here Pete). In the end, Demi randomly picks Alayah and Sydney to fight in the final. The whole scene was a mess. Feathers everywhere, the two girls literally pretending to use the pillows while really beating the mess out of each other…and all this set to the soundtrack of Peter yelling, “Show me you want it.” Gross my dude.
The most random scene of this entire weirdness was a quick cut to an elderly woman sitting in the crowd holding a dollar store teddy bear. She makes the motion as if she’s cutting its throat. To be clear, I say ‘what is happening’ about 15-20 times per episode. Supposedly, Alayah wins (she doesn’t) and all the other girls look deflated. Oh and celebrity guest Fred? Well Fred still looks like a puppet that’s 100 years old.
It’s time for the evening portion of the group date. Many much more bad earrings. We get it, you all stopped at Icing before the show. Sydney’s square gold pair are a bit of a savior but in general, still real bad. Alayah is busy giving me the absolute heebie-jeebies as she’s wearing the crown she got at the fight with her floral maxi.
Peter and Alayah have some time together first. He spits out that she looks good with a crown on to which she responds, “I have had many crowns in my life.” To be real, I’m not sure who is more douchey here. I really thought he wasn’t in to her…doesn’t seem to have the same connection with her that he does with some of the other gals. Doug commentary: “He isn’t as into it, but he’s going to make out with her anyway because this guy is a d-hammer.” Thanks Doug, you scholar.
She randomly wonders if he is remembering her because she has abandonment issues. She shares she has been abandoned by friends in her life…perhaps because you seem like the worst. The way she talks to him is so fake-the entire time she uses her best phone voice which just adds to the phony persona. Peter confirms he is insane and tells her that he has a good feeling about them. PETE. Don’t worry, Alayah is prepared for such a compliment and tells Peter her friend is a pilot’s wife who she got tips from on how to be a good wife to someone who flies. Note: when someone shows you that they are nutty, believe them. Sir-makes-out-a-lot confirms my thoughts that he just isn’t that into her when he ends their chat with a friend hug.
Peter chats with Kelley who tells him that she doesn’t like the beard and prefers scruff (I guess she assumes they are already married). It’s boring.
The stand off between Alayah and Sydney continues when Alayah smugly says, “I didn’t hurt you today did I?” This angers Sydney who deadpan asks her, “Do you work?” Alayah says that she has 3 jobs and somehow she starts talking about how she is always prim and proper and perfect. “I’m used to it, I’ve always been a title holder. I know how to not offend people with what I’m saying.” Doug declares that he can’t watch this because she’s unbearable and starts looking at fantasy basketball stats on his phone.
It’s in this moment that Sydney (who looks amazing by the way) starts baiting Alayah. She feigns that she is asking about her pageant experience mentioning one by one different characteristics that arrogant Alayah thinks are nods to her accomplishments. Finally, Sydney gives the dagger and says that it will be difficult for Peter to get to know the real her given all of the fakery she is used to displaying. Alayah is SHOOKETH. She was so distracted in what she thought were compliments to her resume of pageantry experience when in reality, Sydney was building a case against her. It was like watching a professional chef interact with a person who had never made toast before.
Sydney gets her time with Peter. She says she’s different than the other girls here and Peter talks about how her heart is shining through (oddly a lot of the girls’ hearts are shining through to him, apparently this is a very heart shiny group). She expresses that some people are there for the wrong reasons. They rejoin the group and Pete puts her on the spot asking for her to address whoever is there deceitfully. Sydney stands her ground and says Alayah who immediately poses the question to the rest of the group and asks if anyone else thinks the same way. Death stares. So disappointed in the other girls who I’m sure think the same, but didn’t say a word. Good for you Sydney! Peter works in one last disclaimer for them to be real with him.
Alayah and Sydney duke it out a bit. Sidebar: ya know when someone is crazy? When they are yelling at you with a smile on their face. Takeaway=Alayah is all types of crazy…she’s out here making Kelsey look well adjusted. Peter ends up talking with Alayah who pulls out some amazing croc tears and begins rambling about her insecurities, him thinking she’s fake etc. Cut to Peter’s talking head…this dude is exhausted. And confused. And shockingly kind of in to her. He keeps talking about how he is worried for this journey. Doug commentary, “This isn’t a journey my guy, it’s a month.” End of the date and once again Peter flips the script (the one that says you shouldn’t talk to the Bachelor(ette) about other contestants) and gives the rose to Sydney for being honest. He quickly gets up and bails leaving the girls on the sectional with their 1000 pillows (seriously, it was so many).
Next morning we are given Alayah with no makeup. YIKES. There are always a couple who look like completely different people when they aren’t dolled up and she’s this season’s front runner. She’s still crying about the night before when Chris comes in to say that Peter is coming for a pool party. I’m usually here for a good floral print shirt but the one he’s wearing is r e e e a l busy.
Gird your outfit loins, some of these girls know this is their last chance to get Peter’s attention before the next rose ceremony. Lexi gets the award for the worst cold shoulder shirt I have ever seen. Not even quite sure where one procures something like that. Peter comes in and looks so beat down. He says that he isn’t feeling his best and has doubt creeping in about the entire process. That’s called your sanity Pete saying it isn’t realistic to meet a stranger and date them in this environment. He reiterates he’s there for one reason and hopes the rest of them are as well. He asks Sydney if they can talk and they head out by the pool (she is literally carrying her rose around by the way). They have a nice chat where he thanks her for being honest and go girl, she stands by what she says. She encourages him to see for himself vs. just taking her word for it.
Following this there’s essentially a montage that toggles back and forth between Peter talking to girls about Alayah and Alayah complaining to people about being judged. Consensus from Alayah is that she just has a big personality that people don’t get. Consensus from the girls is that she actually is a different person in front of Peter/the cameras. HEY CHICKENS THANKS FOR SPEAKING UP LAST NIGHT…Y’ALL LEFT SYDNEY OUT TO DRY. I’m annoyed at this point that they all had thoughts about Alayah and didn’t speak up in support of Sydney. Doug expertly points out, “Blood is in the water now. They all saw how Peter responded when Sydney spoke up. They want in.”
Sydney and Alayah go talk…Alayah questions why no one else seems to have any problems with her/why no one else is saying anything. Sydney: “Because they don’t have the balls to.” 100000% accurate. After commercial break, we are abruptly watching Peter and Madison nose kiss. She’s holding a piece of paper the entire time which is not mentioned at all. They once again reminisce about their date to his parent’s vow renewal. Apparently we are going to ride that until the wheels fall off.
Alayah goes and finds Peter to set the record straight on her authenticity. She blabs on about how she can’t lie well and how she just isn’t fake. Peter tells her he believes her. Boy, are you for real? Half the house just confirmed your doubts, perhaps you should listen to them. Alayah’s talking head is her saying, “Future Alayah Weber, out.” Yep, it’s official, she’s crazier than Kelsey. Kels, you can hand that crazy crown right over.
Peter talks to Vic P. who is rocking a hot pink bathing suit and glasses again. AKA I have a rose already I’m not about to have contacts in for this mess. He asks her about Alayah. She says that they spent around 3 hours together during a Miss USA pageant so they ‘knew’ each other before the show. She reveals that Alayah asked her not to divulge this to producers. She says that she didn’t think much of it at the time, but also didn’t understand why she wanted to keep it a secret. She then drops the bomb that Alayah is “open to all the opportunities that come after this even if you weren’t her husband so maybe she’s not the one for you.”
Doug (YELLING): “Nail in the coffin Ale-yah-yah, nail in the coffin.”
Discouraged Peter goes to get Alayah for yet another chat. For those of you that don’t watch here’s a visual: she’s wearing a red ruffle bikini with black ‘pants’ that are made out of completely see through lace. The entire look is going to be a no from me dawg. He questions her about asking Vic P. to lie for her and she enters into some verbal acrobatics trying to say it was so that neither of them would get disqualified. This is not a thing in the Bachelor universe and Peter sees right through it. He gets up and leaves (I’ve noticed he does this…to be honest, I respect the move of just letting it blaze when he’s done with a dumb situation). Alayah cries.
Chris comes back to tell the ladies that Peter left and they should get ready for the rose ceremony. No cocktail party tonight you hyenas. Mykenna starts crying because she didn’t have time with him. They start talking about how this drama is messing with their relationships with him. TIMELINE CHECK IN: IT HAS STILL ONLY BEEN LIKE TWO WEEKS, GET A GRIP LADIES. Alayah is also still crying saying she thought Vic P. was an ally (dingdingding she’s literally looking at this like a game).
Rose ceremony time. It’s tense. Peter looks like the done for dad who hasn’t slept in a few consecutive days. Peter offers the first rose to Kelsey. To be clear, she is also still outside her mind Peter, but okay. Hannah Ann(a) Banana looks adorable of course, Lexi’s hair is styled like a kid going to a cheerleading competition, Vic P. has bad bamboo earrings on, and Mykenna is having a full blown threat level midnight meltdown. Oh, and Deandra is here. Who is Deandra? I swear each rose ceremony brings a new contestant.
Down to two roses and Peter bails…he goes into a back hall to talk to Chris. He’s stressed about letting Alayah go because he’s “wondering if she could be my future wife.” Peter, pull it together bro this girl is not here for you. Chris does nothing other than ask what he wants to do (that’s some Grade A hosting right there). Chris ends up going back out with Peter and says there has been a change. Cut to: Mykenna losing her ever loving mind. He takes a rose away leaving only one for Peter to give out. Status update: Mykenna is still in hysterics.
Eventually, Peter sends Alayah home despite her best visual attempt to stay with the most plunging jumpsuit imaginable. Peter is distraught, refuses to do a toast with the group, and walks out awkwardly. They show him in a back room with Producers talking about how he might be regretting his decision because he ‘gave in’ to the opinions of other people. End of episode.
Episode 03:
STYLE MOMENT: Nothing impressed me. Is that a cop out? I was more shocked by ‘badness’ of some of their outfits particularly at the pool party. Woof.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “You just never know when someone is gonna snap, crackle, and !$#@ pop.” Thanks Natasha, you are a treasure.
THE REAL MVP: Chris Harrison for being in the episode about 3 times: once as a sportscaster while the girls hit each other with pillows, once in an alarming floral shirt, and once to take a rose away. I’m sure you made upwards of $250k for this episode so congrats to you for finding yourself in this position.
WINNER WINNER: Still feel strongly about Hannah Ann(a) and Madison but I do think that Sydney made some real progress this week. She took a risk and for now, it paid off. Peter seems to respond to people giving him the 411.
Peace out Alayah, we shan’t miss you (until next week because according to the preview she comes back with a vengeance).
Sincerely,
Ashley