Pilot Peter • Episode 2
Crazy Kelsey in the fab white jumpsuit and Champagnegate.
The episode kicks off right where we left off. Peter and Hannah are sitting in some room talking about their relationship. It’s clear they’re still attracted to each other which makes it extra brutal when they keep showing the girls he’s currently ON A DATE WITH in random spots of the empty theater writing in their sex journals. As an aside, Natasha’s tank top has way too many straps on it. Each string feed into grommets which cues Doug’s commentary: "Oops, someone wore a shower curtain instead of a top.”
Hannah B. says she doesn’t know if she made the right decision (for like the hundredth time ever, just this time it’s directed at Peter). Red flags for the hopeful contestants: the two of them talking with their faces super close, holding hands, him rubbing her back and leg. All bad signs ladies.
Peter then says one of the most profound statements thus far, “Are you just missing the what ifs, not missing me?” YES PETER, YES. Don’t worry Hannah’s response is clear as mud when she says that the what ifs are part of it…but not all of it…but there is confusion. Hannah, it’s over girl. Bow out gracefully.
Hannah says, “Selfishly, let’s go catch a flight.” Let me get this straight. You aren’t going to pick him the first time, you aren’t even going to pick him second, and now you want him to leave a house of 20 women/his chance to find love to catch a flight with you? GIRLS ARE GROSS TO EACH OTHER.
(Head in her lap) Peter still doesn’t know what to do. Hannah literally leaps onto his lap while they hug for a reaaal long time. All of a sudden, Peter blurts out that he can’t do this and he has to get back to the other girls…but not before he tells her that the sparkles from her dress are all over his jeans. Awkward, party of two. In his talking head, Peter wonders if he is ready for all this. Well you were just cuddling, nose kissing, and crying over your ex, so I’m thinking…no?
He gathers the girls and tells them that he just isn’t in a good head space to continue on their date. Grammy Natasha calls him out and asks why Hannah B. keeps showing up (valid). He tells them he really liked her a lot…as if that’s what you should tell a group of angry women. They already had to hear about your windmill time on this date, now they have to listen to you proclaim your love for her?
It’s time for the evening portion of their date. They’re rocking cocktail dresses sitting on a sectional in the most beautiful room ever. I don’t always love the Bachelor aesthetic, but this was beautiful. The room had a bold palm leaf wallpaper with a deep pink wall and gold accents. GORGEOUS. Sorry, design distraction.
Peter goes on an apology tour with each gal while they complain about how much they gave up to be there/how they deserve more time with him/question if he is in this for the right reasons. Standard Bachelor(ette) talk for this point in the game. They get in some punches (“You should figure out some stuff but not at our expense), but after he says sorry all is forgiven and they make out. He does have a nice moment with Sydney who talks about the racial profiling she has experienced in the South since her mother is white and father is African-American and Dominican. I didn’t really remember her from Episode 1, but she’s stunning.
Mykenna (Fashion Blogger from Canada) has him do a dance for her which is almost as awkward as when she looked him up and down as her introduction. He responds by telling her, “You’re so easy.” WHOOPSIE. Mid sentence of her professing her love to him, he grabs and kisses her. I literally feel like his brain was like welp, I’m not going to pick her in the end but she’s cute and 22 and I’m going to kiss her for awhile.
They rejoin the group and much to Mykenna’s surprise, he gives the rose to Sydney for ‘sharing her heart’. Date over.
Abruptly, we are at a rose ceremony. He chats with red head Lexi first who has to remind him that she is the one that came in the Mustang on the first night. Even though he didn’t remember her, he somehow has a toy mustang in his pocket to give her. The interns are just killlling it this season. They talk about how he has red hair in portions of his beard and after a Where’s Waldo search for it, they kiss. The whole interaction between them is beige.
And now, for Champagnegate. Kelsey who is insane, brought a bottle of Dom that she has been saving for a special occasion. Her plan is to pop it and have a toast with Peter. She does a little vignette with the bottle and a blanket by the very public fireplace. Doug shares that his biggest concern is that the bottle is sitting next to a fireplace getting warm. Even though she has it sitting in ice, it’s no match for the roaring, open fireplace. Valid point Doug.
Mykenna grabs him to chat while Crazy Kelsey is on her way to find him and when she witnesses the interception, steam begins to pour out of her head like she’s a cartoon. She pounds wine like a mom at book club and talks about what a snake Mykenna is. This quickly turns to her crying (note: Mykenna had no idea she was on her way to get him…this girl is unhinged). Crazy Kels ends up confronting a shocked Mykenna saying she disrespected her. Um, wut? You didn’t even go and bring him to your weirdo champagne ceremony. Collect yourself madam.
In her talking head, Kelsey says that snakes are her least favorite animal and stares down the camera. This girl has murdered people y’all.
We cut to Madison for the first time all episode who Peter gifts a framed portrait from his parent’s vow renewal…mom, dad, him, brother, OH AND HER. Let me tell you, if she isn’t picked in the end, Maddy and her friends are going to burn that photo in a trash can while they drink White Claws, promise.
Back to crazy Kelsey and Champagnegate (by the way…loved all the girls’ references to this throughout the night: champagne situation, champagne chaos, champagne scandal, champagne crisis…nice work ladies). She is getting her post-cry makeup touched up by an elderly women who looks like she’s dressed as the mother of the groom (who is she?) before heading to her posse for a pep talk. As she’s collecting herself, they hear a bottle of champagne pop. TEARS.
Hannah Ann(a) and Peter found the champagne by the fire and thinking it was open game (ya’ know because there are bottles of alcohol positioned all over this mansion) they opened it. Crazy Kelsey rages out, walks up to them, and yells, “Excuse me?” before storming off. She now refers to Hannah Ann(a) as a snake who looks beautiful but is wearing more unfortunate earrings. Peter goes to check on her like a gentlemen, but she refuses to see him so after an awkward “Alright…” he goes back to Hannah Adorable.
My favorite part of these scenes is them cutting to random women cuddling with each other and laying around the house…if you think about it, they probably get 5-10 minutes (maybe) of face time with Peter so for the rest of it they continue the whole pounding of wine/becoming BFFs thing from the first episode.
Crazy Kelsey storms back onto the scene and Hannah Ann(a) approaches her saying she’s sorry, that she wouldn’t have opened it if she had known, that she is acknowledging her feelings, etc. Kelsey will hear none of it and instead cusses Hannah out about the unlabeled, unmarked bottle of champagne. KELSEY, how would she know? There are bottles of champagne sitting around like lamps in this place…how would she know that one bottle was brought from Des Monies, IA and incredibly special?
Peter comes in to try and calm her down since she’s crying still/again. He brings her over to a seating area and a holder with a different bottle of champagne in it falls over which she says she “just doesn’t care about.” Peter picks it up and pops it but the glasses lay on the ground shattered. She says she will drink it from the bottle…wrong choice girlfriend considering said bottle was just rolling around on the ground. She takes a glug from the bottle and it sprays all over her face. Like, in a cringe moment of a movie sprays. Not a good night to be crazy Kelsey. This is all A LOT. I think at this point you just gracefully exit and head back to Iowa. Peter awkwardly acts like it’s the bottle’s fault but his first reaction was busting out in laughter. He peaces out and walks away…Kelsey hobbles back to her group (these girls have been so occupied comforting her all night fairly sure not one of them has spoken to Peter).
Actual rose ceremony time. It’s always at this point that I realize I know about 6-7 girls in the entire house. First of all who is Jasmine in the pretty white dress? She got a rose and I literally don’t remember her. Who is shorter pink dress girl? Didn’t remember her either. Much to my disappointment, he sends Lauren home which was a crime. I wanted to stare at her skin for more episodes. Queen Lauren, your outfits and skin are phenomenal…I’m sorry Peter didn’t acknowledge that here.
Much to everyone’s surprise, he gives Crazy Kelsey a rose (very last). Let’s be real, the producers are thrilled she is so unbalanced and told him that she needed to stick around. They do a champagne toast and Peter encourages her to say something. She rises above the drama of the night and shares something thoughtful/cute. Oh wait no, she refused to speak like a petulant child. The attitudes of this group…
Crazy Kelsey, you’re truly crazy, but your white jumpsuit was BOMB.
Group date time! Peter greets the girls on the street in a bad maroon shirt with black buttons. It looked like a shirt that a bro would pick up from Express when they have a ‘hot date.’ They end up going to a storefront for the brand Revolve (amazing brand collaboration on their part). Waiting for them is Carson Kressley, Janice Dickinson, and the Chief Brand Officer for the company (who also had terrible earrings on…ladies we need to believe in a 2020 that has better earrings for all of us). They announce the group gets to pick/style outfits and do a runway show. Whoever the judges pick for their overall vibe and performance will win the entire collection.
Victoria F. immediately begins to panic because the other girls are more confident/more pretty, and she is having trouble being herself etc. She goes and cries while the Producers encourage her to step outside of her comfort zone. The girls run around the showroom grabbing outfits and prep for the show.
It’s time for them to strut their stuff…some do better than others. In a Peppermint Petty moment, Kelsey hands Peter a bottle of champs. Can we just move on? Lo and behold, after all her panic, Victoria F. KILLED it. She was confident, looked fierce, and even worked up the courage to kiss Peter on the runway. Glad she stopped playing the comparison game and just did her thing. It came down to her and Hannah Ann(a) who literally came out in a wedding dress for one of her outfits. They did a walk-off and HA won the entire thing + the Revolve collection. I do think that Vicky P. was a stronger runway model, but she is a wreck. She cried again because she put herself out there but didn’t win…just because you did that doesn’t mean you automatically get to win. Hannah walks off stage with Peter following her while carrying all of her bags…this girl has the control.
The evening part of their date is another sectional in a greenhouse space that looked like World Market, West Elm, and Pier One had a baby. Victoria F. tells Peter that she is struggling with the connections he’s making with other people and being confident. Girl, you just walked a runway in lingerie, what happened? She cries more…this group=major criers. She says she isn’t sure if the show is worth her mental health. Again, Peter is a gentleman and takes her a bit off camera so she can have some privacy. He tells her that he wants her here, they kiss. Honestly, I feel like half of his time so far has been comforting crying girls. To his credit, he’s sweet about it but goodness ladies, you have known this guy for 2 days let’s pull ourselves together.
Peter chats with Hannah Ann(a). It’s clear that he likes her and their chemistry is really natural. He tells her she looks good in a wedding dress and she somehow parlays that into telling him about her interaction with Crazy Kelsey. She shares that CK called her names and that she felt bullied. I was nervous for her because usually it’s a mistake to spend your time with the Bachelor(ette) talking about other contestants or drama. But, it seemed to really bother him and he told her, “I’m not okay with that.” Yep, homeboy is IN-TO her.
They rejoin the group and he gives the date rose to Vicky F. to show her that he and his eyeballs are glad she’s there. He then asks Crazy Kelsey if they can talk. He calls her out for saying what she did to Hannah Ann(a). Since it happened, she doesn’t deny it and looks like the person who doesn’t know the answer to the question but starts talking anyway. She says that Hannah is a different person in the house than with him. She says that she doesn’t like her…he asks why and it looks like he just asked her thoughts on quantum physics. Par for this course, she starts crying. AGAIN. Clearly frustrated he says he doesn’t know what to believe and the convo just ends.
Crazy Kels flops back on the couch with the rest of the girls saying, “Apparently, I’m bullying.” Hannah Ann(a) just sits there and the entire room is swallowed by tension. Gulp, the end. That was it. Definitely more tears than I ever thought could be shed over a bottle of champagne. In upcoming scenes, it shows more fights (cue more crying), making out in various locations of the globe, and a blubbering Peter’s mama saying, “Don’t let her go, bring her home to us.” If she’s referring to Hannah B. in any way, I’m out.
Episode 02:
STYLE MOMENT: As crazy as she was, Kelsey’s white jumpsuit was everything.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “Boyfriends are temporary, cashmere is forever.”
THE REAL MVP: The room with palm leaf paper. Give whoever designed that one an award and a raise.
WINNER WINNER: While I still think Hannah Ann(a) is a strong contender, I think that I have to go with Madison. She was on the screen for about 2 minutes but during it he gave her a photo of his entire immediate family with her in it. That to me is someone who is there for the long haul.
Champagnegate you will live in infamy. See y’all next week.
Sincerely,
Ashley