Pilot Peter • Episode 4
You ever hear someone going to Cleveland on vacation?
We start off with the solo appearance of Chris Harrison for the entire episode. He creepily opens the door to let a group of girls know that they’re “making biscuits”. Apparently that registers to them as they all hop off the patio furniture and join him for his group address.
He starts to introduce where they’re going as if they just won one a vacation package on The Price is Right. Art! Culture! Romance! Pan to all of the girls with excited faces on and their eyes flashing their hopeful choices: Italy? Greece? Paris? Fiji?
Chris: Cleveland!
All the girls: Chrissy Teigen fake smile face
As soon as they start showing footage from Ohio, it’s CLEAR that they are doing a brand deal with them. Peter starts listing off the positive aspects of the city as if he’s a realtor trying to convince you that buying property here would be a good move: Clark Kent was born here, great sports town (questionable), people are nice here…
Meanwhile, the girls are posing in front of the Rock n’ Roll Hall of fame practicing what it’s going to be like to be Instagram influencers when you have to travel to a crappy place. “It’s stunning/I wasn’t expecting it to be this nice/Our hotel looks at Lake Erie”…they might as well just have said #ad afterwards. Cue footage of them dancing in windows and piling on the bed like their hotel isn’t average. Y’all, I have never heard people say these types of sentences about Cleveland. On the contrary actually, per Joakim Noah:
It’s time for the one-one-one. Victoria F. is already nervous on the car ride over. They pull up to a private plane (shock) and she starts to lose her mind in the car. Don’t worry, when she gets out, all’s well that ends well. She figures out that Peter Propellers is going to take her on a ride and she says, “I never normally do that.” UM, you were just in California and now you’re in the butt of Ohio-I’m assuming that was via airplane?
They take off because HE IS A PILOT REMEMBER? She is squealing and he is busy naming off Cleveland landmarks. It’s like the tourism board they’re partnering with wrote a list of talking points out for him and he’s diligently trying to hit each one. He points out Cedar Point and it turns out that’s where their date is going to be. SEE? Cleveland is so awesome, they had them fly an hour West for the date. They rollercoaster it and of course, Vic F. is scared again and doesn’t want to do it. This is now a reoccurring pattern with her. She’s “so scared/can’t do” whatever the activity is, but then does it no problem. The narrative is getting tired.
They take a break at a diner where she sets women back about 50 years with her toast: “Cheers to our sons having hot moms and successful dads!”
LOT of questions here. To start, you said moms and dads, plural for both. Are you guys not going to be parenting these hypothetical sons together? Are they going to have more than one set of parents? Incorrect tenses aside, can’t we want more for our kiddos than for their mom to be hot and dad to be successful? As in parents that are loving, kind, attentive, present, encouraging, involved…these are just thoughts.
Prop Peter validates what she’s saying by sharing that he wants to have a certain number of kids because he loves amusement parks and then someone has to sit alone if you have an odd number in the fam. Uhm, all y’all girls should run.
After their diner Mensa meeting, they walk over to his surprise for her which is a concert with a country singer because, “She loves country music.” Ahem, I bet she does. As they begin to hear the music, homegirl knows and starts getting that awkward, sick look on your face that you get when you know something horrible is about to happen. The entire scene could not be more uncomfortable. Ex-boyfriend playing a song (about love) while her and Peter attempt to dance surrounded by a crowd of the most random girls that Sandusky, OH had to offer.
Instead of addressing the weirdness she oddly bops along while switching her glances from Peter to her handsome ex who looks like a true man to Peter’s little boy. Worst part? SHE SANG ALONG. She was cranking out the words like she was a few beers in at karaoke night…because you know, she knows them. Cringecringecringe. They cut to Peter’s blissfully ignorant talking head, “This is one of the coolest dates I have ever been on.” ABC hates you Peter let’s be clear about that.
After the concert she’s busy talking to a producer and crying while Peter awkwardly talks to Hottie Chase about the process of the show. They do a bro huge which Peter hasn’t ever done apparently. The queen of drama and awkwardness pulls Chase aside starting with, “Good concert though…” Chase’s confused okay as a response gave me so much happiness. She launches into full fledge planning mode of what to say and how to approach the situation. He literally just keeps saying to tell the truth and looking away. Um, ya because there are about 1000 random women who just watched him play the guitar in a white t-shirt who would like to pounce in his direction. My question: where was Peter this whole time? Wasn’t he wondering where she was? More tears from Victoria. Seriously, what is wrong with these women. I feel like someone has never not been crying the entire time we have been here.
Evening portion of the date time. Peter is still so happily unaware you almost feel bad for the guy. He says, “If it keeps going like this, we could have Chase Rice singing at our wedding, who knows.” OH MY GOSH ABC YOU SAVAGES. Victoria F. comes in wearing a hot pink dress which to me just makes her look more like a little kid. Of course when he asks how she’s doing she ‘isn’t okay’ which seems to be how they all respond to him. Internal Peter: would super love it if I could go on a date without one of these women having a full mental breakdown.
She acts like she is about to drop the most horrible news instead of just saying yo, he’s my ex. Peter is shocked. He asks “the guy from the concert” about 20 times. Victoria F. cries some more and leaves the table. Quick cut back to the house and they are announcing the upcoming group date. It’s Mykenna, Hannah BanANNa, Natasha, crazy Tammy, lawyer girl, and like a bunch of others I don’t know. When Mykenna figures out she’s part of the group, she cries and says he’s her dream guy/she is worried he isn’t getting to know here. SIGH. You are 22 and adorable…the world is literally your oyster, you’ll be fine m’dear. Kelsey gets the one-on-one and cries what she calls happy tears. I swear, this is the most absurd group of women.
Back to their dinner…Victoria F. is still crying and acting like she revealed something horrifying. Peter goes and finds her and starts coddling her along and praising her for being honest. Peter, reach higher. For yourself. You deserve more than just someone being honest with you about her ex-Country-music-star- boyfriend. Believe that you can date someone emotionally ready 2020 should be your new campaign slogan.
All is well all of a sudden (aka Victoria’s usual after hysterics) and they walk outside to a random dude playing the cello. He’s dressed like he’s also their Uber driver who is moonlighting as a cellist. They make out on the steps of what must be a county courthouse before Peter says at the close of all of his dates, “I’m feeling really good about Victoria.”
Me: I don’t get it. Why is he so into these emotionally unstable women?
Doug: Do you want me to tell you?
Me: Ya.
Doug: Boobs.
Thanks for being here Dougie.
Group date time and of course we start with Peter Propellers talking about how great Cleveland is just one more time. He calls it one of the best kept secrets. I’m willing to be out of the loop on that secret (see video above). They’re in the Browns stadium…I say that if Peter could tell me who plays there I would Venmo him $100.
To my delight, they are going to play some football. No flags, the real deal stuff and I’m already getting excited for Tammy to go nuts on someone. Victoria P. can’t play because she still has a back injury (is this still from the first group date?), Mckenna attempting to catch a ball makes me feel uncomfortable, and Peter has googled some football-y terms to say like “leave it all on the field.” Let’s goooo!
A few of the girls actually look like they know what they’re doing and the rest, do not. Bless the heart of one coach who so sweetly put it, “We can’t let them run because then they score a touchdown and then it puts us at a disadvantage.” READING YOU LOUD AND CLEAR COACH! Shiann and Deandra (who?) stand out in terms of athleticism scoring about 95% of all touchdowns.
They end up tying and they show both teams in their respective locker rooms afterwards completely gassed. Shiann is disappointed because the tie means they will all get to go to the cocktail party vs. just the winning team. Natasha once again speaks truth, “You scored all our goals…you should grab him first and I will block for your a until you’re done.”
Cocktail party time and Shiann is pounding champagne. Victoria F. grabs him first and the girls don’t like it since she got some one-on-one time with him during their group date due to her back injury. She expresses her disappointment in not being able to play which somehow turns into her talking about how she wants to cheer on her kids someday and how Peter is going to be a great dad. Just, wow.
Time for Shiann’s time with him and he asks if she is okay. Of course, because it’s this season, she is not. While their conversation is happening, Alayah from last week stomps up the stairs and interrupts. Tammy who I enjoy says, “Everyone is shooketh to the core.” Facts. Doug commentary: “Isn’t this a closed set? Can anyone just walk in? Can I just walk in?”
Alayayayhahah says she is there to clear her name. She says that her and Victoria P. are actually good friends (because all it takes to be good friends is to go to Vegas together). Peter flips out about thinking Vic P. was anything but honest with him. He pulls her aside and she says she spoke her truth. He brings Alayah into the situation and the two of them talk. Peter: this is supposed to be fun. You’re supposed to be falling in love not serving as a mediator for their weird come to Jesus moment. They go back and forth with Fakealayah saying they clearly knew each other and Victoria P. saying she doesn’t know what else to say. Doug commentary: “Wait, are we literally arguing over how good of friends they are?”
It’s not until now that I realize the bizarre setting. It’s either an office building or a small aquarium. As Peter’s pondering there are giant sharks swimming behind him. He goes back to talk to Fakalayah…she blurts out, “Today’s been a great day.” BOY, RUN. He says that he has no reason to question or doubt her (he had like 15 reasons in the form of all the other women last week) and asks her to come back. Collective groan in our house. Doug commentary: “Just wait, everyone is coming back. That Hannah girl is coming back next because this guy cannot make a choice.”
They rejoin the group HAND IN HAND and just to add insult to injury, he gives her the date rose. These girls were literally tackling each other for a few minutes with him and he gives the rose to someone he sent home last week. Don’t worry, he ends their date without spending time with any of the rest of them and Fakalyah says, “Apparently Peter wants me here” and just stares the group down smugly. It reminded me of the scene in Mean Girls where Regina George has created chaos and everyone is fighting all around her while she watches it burn. Let us remember that Regina George was the villain…Alayalalah you can’t sit with us, you’re toxic.
It’s all drama back at the hotel. Lexi is filling in Victoria F. that Alayah is back. She’s NOT HAPPY. She talks about how they all suffered “major bodily harm” and then he gave the rose to her.
Cut to: one-on-one date with crazy Kelsey. They walk around in Cleveland and try to polka dance to remind us that Peter is not white. Again, please stop talking about Cleveland. We get it, you’re doing a brand deal but it’s so weird that you’re trying to work how great it is into conversation. Peter says the dumbest thing he has said so far, “Kelsey is no drama.” Shall we flashback to a couple weeks ago when she was cussing out a girl for opening a bottle of champagne which she doesn’t even like? This girl is nothing BUT drama. Of course she is nice to him and they kiss so he is automatically feeling good about them. They stumble upon a soapbox derby race on a closed street where they take a ride together and a kid gives “Pilot Pete” a trophy. How very random.
Evening part of their date and Kelsey is crying about her parents divorce. Segway to Peter crying talking about his mom and Grandma’s experience in this country. It’s at this point that I form a theory on Peter. I don’t think that it’s Victoria F. or Kelsey or Alayah being so great. It’s because through the drama, he has spent some actual time with them so he’s drawn to their conversations (ya know, like more than 10 minutes). News flash: you would have this experience with any of the other girls if you weren’t always so busy cleaning up drama with these crazies. Kelsey says that no man has ever made her feel this way. It’s time for our episode timeline check-in: ope, it’s only been a couple weeks.
Back at the hotel Victoria P. finds out that Fakalyah told people about her and Chase Rice since she has been home and had access to the internet. She THROWS DOWN about how that was not her business to tell (valid). Alayah proves what a delusional human being she is with, “Well it was everywhere at home.” Yes, but they don’t have phones here on Bachelor freak island, remember? Again, this woman is a crazy person-as VicP. is yelling at her she just stares her down with a grin on her face. All the women are upset he asked Alayah to come back and having different conversations about how hurt they are. THIS IS THE MOST LEVEL HEADED Y’ALL HAVE BEEN SINCE YOU GOT HERE. Leave. You deserve better than this mess. Natasha nails it saying she is most worried that he might not know what he wants. 100%. Drama aside, she nailed the actual issue=I would be on the first plane out.
It looks like we are now at the cocktail party before a rose ceremony. This entire section of the episode could be called “Preach girls.” Peter walks in and says he has had so much fun in Cleveland (ughhhh) and Deandra cuts him off. She says that she has never felt so overlooked and hurt that they all have literal bruises from their date but he somehow gave the rose to someone that wasn’t even there. Natasha also calls him out for what he did. He apologies and asks Victoria P. to talk.
She stands but says she doesn’t really want to talk to him right now. After some back and forth they decide to talk. She calls him out on not trusting her, making her look dumb in front of the girls, and involving her in the drama…he is stammering trying to downplay it but homegirl is HOT about it. I will say, watching it felt like what an actual fight feels like when you’re dating not just some dumb drama. She alludes he should talk to the other Victoria about the night before. Much to her credit, when he asks her what happens she says, “That’s not my story to tell.”
Scenes cut from Petey talking to other Victoria about how Alayahahah told the other girls about Chase Rice to girls yelling at Peter. Sydney says he doesn’t know anything about her because they have just been dealing with Alayah drama 24/7. Valid. The girls call Alayah out to her face saying, “You’re not coming back to clear your name, you’re here to be on the show.” She LIT-ER-ALL-YYYY doesn’t have time for that and goes to find Peter. He keeps saying it’s confusing but really bro, it’s black and white. She is manipulative and disrupting everything in the house. He questions Alayah on why allll the other girls have a problem with her and she says that it’s because she’s too theatric and has a big personality. And the Oscar goes to…
The show ends with a to be continued and the preview for next week is basically all of the girls taking turns crying in different settings. Please Peter, do the right thing and send this psycho home so we can get back to the real gold like you sporadically dancing with someone in front of their ex-boyfriend.
Episode 04:
STYLE MOMENT: Tammy’s pale pink dress on the group date. It was beautiful! Also three cheers for less bad earrings this week. Nice work ladies.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “Drama has risen from the dead.”
THE REAL MVP: Natasha takes the cake for me this week. Speaking truth, blocking for people to acknowledge their achievements on the field, calling Peter out…good for you girl.
WINNER WINNER: I think that Victoria P. still has the makings of someone who would go the distance. He seems genuinely connected to her even amidst this drama.
Can’t wait for the sobfest next week. Goodness, this group’s dramatics.
Sincerely,
Ashley