Pilot Peter • Episode 5
Basically, ABC flew the girls to Costa Rica so they could cry in a different country.
We start with Peter chatting with Alayahaha and sending her home. He apparently understands his lack of judgment and why everyone is angry with him. Her chest is out to play but he says it’s just too much and walks her out. For some reason, some of the other girls are still crying and wondering “well, what if he gets confused again?” Um, yes ladies he is confused. He went from giving someone a rose to walking them out. You should head home and find a guy who is self assured.
Peter approaches the group and says hello like in depressed Ross Gellar form. Natasha stands her ground. Mykenna is of course crying. Vic P. is for some reason also crying. Sydney is mad. Can we just SparkNotes all this and say Alaylala is gone, who wants to kiss?
He sits down with Natasha first who says “I’m glad you’ve moved on…if you really have” (SHADE METER AT 1000). Tammy is frustrated and while starting at her boobs he says that he sees her. He takes a selfie with Hannah Ann Banana and awkwardly dances with Mykenna.
Rose ceremony=he sends Deandra home who tells him that she’s so confused. He sensitively responds with, “So nice to meet you.” He has the emotional intelligence of a loaf of bread. Sidebar-these girls need better friends who tell them hair truths. I think Hannah Ann(a) is adorable but do not love the short hair high pony. Also Madison-I thought it was the heat that was making your hair crazy but this is Cleveland so…you need to find yourself some smoothing cream and or oil STAT.
Also, yay, we are going to Costa Rica.
We’re in Costa Rica and Peter Propellers reminds us that he’s a pilot so he likes to travel. Collective group sigh, we get it Peter. More Instagram practice for the girls as they all yell Costa Rica! from their resort balcony. Kelley is all Costa Rica is cool but I’m real tired. She goes on to say that she’s just here to have fun. Uh, looks like we have our first gal with a foot out the door.
Peter comes in on a plane and ‘runs’ up the driveway. He runs out of gas before getting to the girls. He has a gnarly cut/bandage on his forehead and tells them he hiked and was attacked by a puma…who he insinuates that he killed. In reality, he managed to bump his head getting in to a golf cart and then cut it on the glass he was holding. In case that was unclear, don’t worry, ABC filmed a Lifestyle movie style reenactment for us. The actual security footage makes me question if I would ever get aboard a plane he was piloting.
He asks Sydney on the first one-on-one date and they take off in a heli. She says it’s like taking off in their relationship (which intern needs to be yelled at for this weak prose). We get some rich footage of the girls sitting around looking miserable other than Kelley who looks like she is wondering where they can get Pina Coladas for their pool party. OF COURSE, crazy Kelsey is crying…again…because as we shant forget, she is batty. Kelsey is talking to Hannah Ann Banana cutie of all people whining and still crying. She says she hasn’t connected with a guy like this in a long time COMMA if ever. It’s been one date Kelsey, it sounds like you have some s-t-u-f-f outside of Peter you need to sort out.
Peter and Sydney arrive at the top of a hill. Thanks to Costa Rican West Elm for providing all furnishings (so many poofs) for them to sit on in the middle of the rainforest. They trade boring small talk about his injury and he says he hopes she is cool with scars. Sydney’s response, “I’m cool with scars, I have them all over me.” FULL STOP, WHAT? Peter, no follow up questions? Cue me sipping my wine, this is too much.
He whitely asks what her background is (even though she has already told him this). They discuss this for awhile which ends with him talking to her in Spanish which she knows “a little of”. Clearly not the words he said because after he rattles off a full sentence she responds with saying the letter E for a prolonged period of time. Peter tells her that she’s the best kisser which fast forward, I feel like is going to be real awkward for his current girlfriend/fiance if it isn’t Sydney (which for the record, I don’t think it is). They bump heads while kissing which she ‘hates for him’ and that’s it. It’s boring.
Evening part of their date and they’re pretend eating dinner. She shares how she was treated poorly in the south and ate in the bathroom everyday her senior year. SIDENOTE: a tweet blew up of screenshots from her high school yearbooks. She was on all these random homecoming-courtesque groups including something bizarre called Upperclassmen Top Beauty’. Now, not saying that doesn’t mean she wasn’t ever bullied, I’m just saying, it seems like the two narratives don’t match.
I was extremely distracted because this is the episode that I discovered that Sydney goes up at the end of every sentence when she talks. Her cadence is super odd. Peter loves a good sad story, so they go and makeout haaard in what looks like the fountain at the entrance of the resort.
Back at the house, the girls gather to find out about the next dates. They all look like they’re in that slightly buzzed state where you are either going to keep partying for the next few hours or you are going to take a nap. Kelsey looks like she has been crying for days which to be fair, she probably has been. Vic P. reads the date card and they find out that Kelley got the one-on-one. Naturally, Mykenna makes it about her and says that she is happy for her but “it sucks.” Kelley seems less than thrilled about a date and in her talking head states she doesn’t have a sob story. GIRL, DON’T GET DISTRACTED-THIS IS THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE. IT’S OKAY THAT YOU DON’T.
Later in the day (? time is definitely a construct on this show) we show Kelsey who is STILL CRYING. Someone send this girl back to Iowa already, please. Tammy is consoling her as she continues to whine. Convo summary:
Crazy Kelsey: Blah blah it’s so hard for me because he’s with other girls.
Tammy: Yea but it’s kind of what we signed up for sooo…
Crazy Kelsey: More whining because it’s still tough for me, he’s with other girls.
Tammy: There’s an end though. He has to pick one at some point .
Crazy Kelsey: I mean Sydney, I like her a lot but she’s a dramatic effing b word.
Tammy: Gulp.
Tammy’s talking head delivered my favorite line of the episode, “She’s been crying for weeks. She cried over a champagne bottle for 4 days.” May we never forget:
Group date time! Peter needs to fire whoever styled him on this trip because it was just a string of bad shirts. This one is particularly rough especially when he starts sweating #backsweat. The girls show up and Peter takes them to a waterfall-mind you, Kelsey’s face is literally swollen from all the crying. Surely.
They walk into a photoshoot set and meet the Editor in Chief of Cosmopolitan. I feel like this has to be the most legitimate guest that they have ever had do one of these appearances. She says that they are going to be doing a swimsuit shoot and the winner will be featured on the cover of Cosmo with Peter. The girls get to pick their suits and there are some unfortunate choices. Natasha’s simple black two piece was my fave.
They all start posing in the waterfall some with each other, some with Peter. Vic F. thinks Peter is Chase Rice and starts making out with him during their shoot (which is awkward considering there are other girls posing with them). The peanut gallery literally starts boo-ing as this is happening. Next group is Mykenna, Tammy, and Hannah. Hannah kisses Peter and Tammy screams. Tammy, please make this photo your next profile picture, thanks. Meanwhile, crazy Kelsey is becoming more unglued. Girl, THIS IS THE SHOW.
In the end, Victoria F. wins even though it should have been Natasha. Again, fast forward: if his girlfriend/fiance is not Vic F. isn’t their appearance on the cover of a magazine going to be so weird?
They have a little evening cocktail party where he chats with Vic F. first. She says “Guess what 2 days ago was.” He blurts out that he was going to tell her Happy Birthday…sure Peter. She shares that she turned 26, he says he’s 28 so it makes him her Grandpa. Eww. Peter says, “I like you” to which she replies, “Mmm” as if she could not care less. They kiss, the end.
Lots of kissy up next. He chats with HannahAnn(a) who he clearly likes and finds adorable, makes out with Vic P., and then chats with crazy Kelsey who drops the bomb that she is falling in love with him. He looks shocked but then kisses her. Dear Peter, this girl is absolutely outside her skull…what are you doing? He promises her that he’s feeling it which, goodness sakes. Crazy Kelsey’s talking head: “I feel really good” (INSERT GIGANTIC SINISTER SMILE, omg this girl is bonkers).
The girls are now discussing Kelsey and all her issues. Vic F. says that she heard Kelsey say she is the realest one there and everyone else is fake which doesn’t sit well with Tammy. REMEMBER THIS MOMENT. Tammy chats with Peter and tells him that Kelsey is unstable and was crying over him taking someone else on a date. While I 100% agree with the message, not sure this was the place. You can tell that he in some ways has already friend zone’d Tammy.
As we have come to find out, Peter has zero tact and goes to talk with Kelsey. He so delicately says, “I heard you had a little bit of a mental breakdown.” What a wordsmith. She says it wasn’t a breakdown but instead her processing her feelings for him…meanwhile, she is currently sobbing, again. He reminds her that this won’t be getting easier and asks if she is going to be okay. She basically blubbers her way to some kind of conclusion before rolling in hot to the group. She’s drunk and mad ladies, gird them loins…
"So are we going to talk about who said I’m emotionally unstable?” THIS GIRL IS COO COO FOR COCOA PUFFS. It’s at this point that Hannah Ann(a) does one of the best face palms in the history of Bachelor face palms. Her question is answered with crickets. She then launches into saying she isn’t ashamed that she cries in front of people…that she is proud of it. All of the girls start peppering her with their frustrations.
Crazy Kelsey: I would have been upset about him going on a date with anyone, it wasn’t about Sydney!
Lexi: You said she wasn’t right for him…
Crazy Kelsey: [DEER IN HEADLIGHTS]
Crazy Kelsey: I’m the only one that’s vulnerable and not holding stuff in.
All the girls: Groans/eye rolls/disagreement
Tammy: Because we don’t cry for the whole day?
Crazy Kelsey: I did that ONCE! (This made us laugh out loud. She said it so defensively).
Vic F.: Get it together.
Somehow this dumbness ends and Peter comes in to give cutie Hannah Ann(a) the rose. Oh my goodness this group is too much.
Time for the one-on-one with Kelly. Weirdly as they show her getting ready for her date, she is rolling what looks like a packed suitcase by the door. Hmmm. Another bad shirt for Peter as they go into a hut that’s lit with candles with a shaman who is influenced by the energy of Jupiter and his assistant? wife? partner? employee? who looks like someone who is heading to Coachella after this. The end up sitting in bathing suits and writing down intentions for their relationship. Mid Peter pouring out his soul, Kelley announces a lizard behind him and completely shuts down that conversation.
They ask the vibrating crystals and it says that they are not at the same stage in life. They also consult the love candles and hers is melting away and is ‘repressed’ which Kelley seems to connect with. They wrap up this weirdness with a blindfolded maze summer camp style. Peter’s talking head=how Kelley hasn’t really been making an effort. Kelley’s talking head=how this process is hard and she’s kind of just there to have fun. And the crystal/candles are speaking truth apparently…
Cut back to the house and Tammy and crazy Kelsey are talking. CK calls Tammy honey in a patronizing way which Tammy cuts off at the pass and says, “Don’t call me honey.” Kelsey says she wasn’t drinking that much, Tammy questions how she got drunk then, Kelsey responds that she was tipsy, but not wasted and was emotional. This girl is exhausting. She tears up again during this conversation and eventually Tammy peaces out from their chat.
Back to Peter and Kelley-they are at ‘dinner’ talking about their day and she says she has never met what sounds like a showman…do you two mean shaman? Peter says that they have fallen into a lull and wants to make sure her heart is in this. Kelley responds that she hasn’t felt like she has had the opportunity to progress their relationship, but that she could be having so much fun. Peter says that he isn’t there for fun, he’s there to find someone to spend his life with.
Kelley: Yea, I’m here for that too and stuff.
Peter: Then why did the crystal thing say we were at different levels?
Doug: Because they’re candles.
Kelley then expresses that she questions if he is ready at times (GO GIRL) because if he was then she doesn’t think he would be rewarding drama. This bothers Peter but they keep talking…Kelley says ‘like’ about 250 times and Peter says that he needs her to trust the process because he knows it works. Uh, this process has left you gutted and heartbroken so what are you talking about, sir? Doug commentary: Yea Kelley, I know you’re a lawyer, but what I need is for you to trust this generally unsuccessful process.
He gives her a rose, she says she is going to be different from here on out, they make out in a waterfall/hot tub hybrid.
ABC kept it classy after the commercial break and we come back to footage of frogs humping. Thanks for that. Crazy Kelsey has decided to go over to Peter’s resort to try to act like she’s sane. She tells Peter she wants to address a few things. She said that “it wasn’t about Sydney” (shall we rewind to you calling her a b?) and that she has done apologies to the girls. Of course, no interaction would be complete without her crying so she starts the tears.
Peter tells her he knows how he feels about her and doesn’t care about what any of the other girls say. That’s the spirit Petey, blind ignorance. Crazy Kelsey brings up Tammy going around and talking about her. Unfairly, Peter says that maybe she’s jealous of Kelsey and trying to attack her. It’s at this moment that I start noticing weird spotting on Pete’s shirt…the stylist really didn’t help him out again and dressed him in light grey #moresweat.
He says that he’s sorry that she was put in this position. Uhm, no Peter. Kelsey was not put into any kind of position. She put herself in one all by herself via crying for the entire day you took another girl on a date…on a show where you are dating other girls. Instead of telling her to head back, he thanks her for coming AND GIVES HER A ROSE. Shall we venture back to the chat with Kelley? This is what she is saying=rewarding bad behavior. He tops it off by saying he feels so secure in their relationship. Y’all, did you know that secure looks like sneaking over, talking crap about the other girls, (after bragging that you don’t do that) and crying?
She has the craziest smile on her face as she heads back to the house with her rose. Crazy party of one, crazy party of one. The rest of the group is dressed for the cocktail party and waiting. She addresses them saying she did go over to Peters to talk and got a rose. The entire group stares her down in frigid silence. Kelsey, what did you think they were going to say? Sidebar: it’s apparently the sisterhood of the traveling earrings. The thick gold squares from H&M have been worn by so many of them. Rose ceremony time, finally.
Chris makes his first appearance of the episode to tell the girls they are going right to the rose ceremony-no cocktail party. Mykenna immediately starts chugging wine and crying. She again shares that she’s worried about Peter not being able to see how great she is because of all of this drama.
Tammy confronts Kelsey about what she said to Peter and ALL CRAP BREAKS LOOSE.
Current statuses:
Kelsey: Trying to act innocent and as if this wasn’t her intention when she visited him. Still nuts as ever.
Tammy: Trying to defend herself against all of the hyenas who have all of a sudden turned on her.
Kelley: Still disengaged, smelling her rose. Amazing.
Lexi: Really takes a huge L in this whole scene-she was talking crap with Tammy and now all of a sudden has taken the self righteous path and is calling her out.
Mykenna: Crying, but mostly doing the weirdest stuff with her tongue.
Sydney: Somehow gets into it with Tammy, lying haaard about ever bringing up other girls in the house to Peter (hi, my name is Alayahalah), and saying “yo” about 5 times. Calls Tammy crazy.
Vic F. and Natasha: Take a bit of a turn and start calling out Tammy even though they were also in the conversations about how nuts Kelsey is.
Vic P.: Trying to deflect when it’s clear a rumor about Kelsey originated with her.
Madison and Hannah Ann(a): The real MVPs because they weren’t even with the other girls at the time…they were on some magical balcony looking down and saying, “Is someone yelling?”
Eventually almost all of the girls start crying. Some stay on the couch and sob while others storm off to get away from this 'drraaama’. Rose ceremony time is super tense and emotional. Peter walks in and before he can start, Tammy asks to speak with him. She addresses what Kelsey said about her and tells him her intentions were not malicious. Mykenna interrupts that chat and starts crying because the drama is a lot for her. This all takes what seems to be a whopping 2 minutes. When she rejoins the group, Lexi is a royal b to her about going and talking to him. LADIES. Do not be mad at each other if he changes his mind after a 1 minute chat. It says more about him than the girls choosing to do that.
Meanie Lexi who did not have a good look in this episode and Shiann go home. On her way out, Shiann warns him that some of the girls in the house are not who he thinks/sees. DUNDUNDUN. The preview for Wednesday (yes for some reason this week is a double dip) shows more drama, more crying, and of course…more of Peter saying stuff super awkwardly. See y’all then.
Episode 05:
STYLE MOMENT: Madison’s red jumpsuit at the rose ceremony. Also her sitting in it when the girls were pulling him aside while everyone else stood. Amazing.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “She cried over a champagne bottle for 4 days.”
THE REAL MVP: Kelley for being real about not having some sad story to tell him and the parameters of this show. I don’t think she’s perfect, but appreciated her calling Peter out realness.
WINNER WINNER: He still seems super into the Victorias. There’s something off about both of them, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they both go far.
Sincerely,
Ashley