Pilot Peter • Episode 1
They won’t all be this long but it was 3 mother-loving hours.
Welcome to a new season of The Bachelor. Fasten your seatbelts and locate the exit rows because it’s about to be a trainwreck disaster.
Much to my disappointment, the man of the hour is Peter (vs. Tyler or Mike who I was rooting for, hard). Calm down Petey 4x fans…does he seem nice? Surely. But does his face look like an old man and a little boy simultaneously? 100%. It’s unnerving, frankly.
We start with a reminder that he’s a pilot. Aggressively. His parent’s quickly join us (we collectively decided his dad looks like Sully the pilot who landed a plane on the Hudson). They kick everything off with some cooking/a chant prayer/a less than subtle reminder that Peter is Cuban. To be clear, this is absolutely not recompense for Mike not being the Bachelor ABC, but super nice try.
Since he isn’t Colton, we at least didn’t have to awkwardly watch his upper half shower, but we did get him and Chris Harrison randomly driving around while talking about the babes that were on their way. As an aside, much to my eyeball’s disappointment, CH got his hair colored in the off season so his salt and pepper is gone #why.
After gratuitous footage of Peter putting his tux on, we finally make it to the mansion. Can you imagine the layers of paint and bleach on that thing? And now for the hopeful gals. Oh my…
I always find this part of the episode so very uncomfortable. Even the meet cutes that go well feel awkward…at best, it’s some light objectification of the opposite gender from both sides. This season took the cake in terms of ridiculousness. Some highlights:
Kiarra-Literally folded herself in and out of a suitcase. If that isn’t committing to your first impression with a stranger, I don’t know what is.
Mykenna-The Fashion Blogger awkwardly looked him up and down and evaluated his outfit. The awkward alert was going off like a siren.
Victoria P. (who from here on out shall be known as VicP.)-Said they should do a happy dance. While it sounds like a cute idea, it would have been easier if they both wore sandwhich boards that said, “We can’t dance but we reaaallly pretty. XOXO, Us.”
Eunice-Wore wings because she’s a Flight Attendant…and that’s special. Much to her disappointment, about 20 more attendants strolled in after.
Deandra-Not to be upstaged, Deandra came in hot wearing a windmill. Don’t worry, she capped off her outfit with a less than uncomfortable innuendo. Girl: if you’re wearing a windmill costume for a dude, I promise, it’s a lowpoint…go back to power swiping on Tinder.
Lexi-Pulled up in a red mustang. Doesn’t sound crazy at all but all the gals seemed really amazed by her abilities.
Lauren won the intros for me…she was sweet, normal, and looked fire in that jumpsuit + high pony. GO AHEAD GIRL. Don’t worry, the real surprise was Hannah B. hopping out of a limo. I’m not always Team Hannah but y’all, she looked phenomenal. Everyone panicked, all she did was give him wings, and we thoroughly enjoyed watching the girls scurry back and forth in the shot as they snooped.
A mini plane, blindfolded assault, and 1 cow later, we finally got Peter walking inside to address all the drunk babies about the fact that they were all going to embark on weirdness together. Let the games begin.
Now we start the excruciating drama of fighting over quality time with Peter. Get your “can I steal you for a minute” counters ready people. It’s fascinating to watch the ones that pounce, the ones that wait their turn but then go cry when time is too short, and the ones who forget they’re there to date him as they are pounding champs with their new BFFs + counting new IG followers.
There were a few confrontations (and by that I mean slurring of words as they yelled at each other) including throwing life size paper airplanes at each other and a throw down between Shiann and Hannah Ann (which for some reason in my head I continue calling Hannah Anna). Here’s the deal, Shiann made a grave mistake…she tried to confront HA but ended up looking like the bully. Instead of getting in her face or begin sassy when Shiann says she wants time with Peter, HA stone cold blank face stares her down and says, “I want that for you too” in the most angelic voice. Silence. It was one of the most savage things that I have ever seen. She shut it doooown in the most polite way ever. It completely unarmed Shiann who then ended up telling HA to have a good rest of her night. Mini play over.
This space of time is so tense and weird. All of the girls are sufficiently buzzed and either fighting, crying, or kissing Peter. I understand they get cranky with each other about having time with him but hey, if you don’t go and so hello don’t be shocked when he sends ya’ home sis.
Finally, rose ceremony time and the sun is up. Not kidding, you could see daylight through the windows of the mansion. DAYLIGHT. We all quickly figured out why they had been crying so much over a guy they just met. You’ve thrown a bunch of women into a high pressure sorority hunger games situation, given them endless champagne, kept them up until the wee hours of the morning, and told them to try to convince a guy they are the one for him in a 10 minute conversation. CUE THE TEARS.
As they gather for the ceremony, it’s clear some have watched more YouTube makeup tutorials than others; their looks definitely out-kicked their coverage in terms of longevity. I had sympathy for the others since they had been doing a lot of random face stuff (ex: kissing, covering their mouths in shock etc.) for the better part of 5-6 hours. In particular, Hannah Ann’s makeout face was especially noticeable. Don’t worry, she got the first impression rose so didn’t have to worry about touch ups...she just let it blaze.
We had a discussion at this point about how the Bachelor/Bachelorettes remember the names of their picks on the first night. Imagine the emotional overload you just went through but your’e able to distinguish between all the blonde Laurens? How? Is it a tiny earpiece situation? Is Chris Harrison whispering to them from behind a curtain? I. need. answers.
Rose ceremony came and went. Much to our surprise, he kept Victoria F. even though she bombed her unseemly joke not once but TWICE (after he admitted he didn’t remember what she said in her intro). We also got to watch her have a full blown quarter life meltdown about how pretty the other girls were and how he wasn’t going to pick her. Solid choice Pete.
The next morning brings the first group date. To me, this group was the clear A team of who he wants to spend time with. They went to a flight hanger after we got to watch him stand on the wing of his plane and spray water around. REMINDER: THIS COULD HAVE BEEN TYLER DRIVING A BOAT IN JUPTER, FL.
Anyway, their group date starts with the first Blue Angel female pilot (respect girl) introducing a little academia. When she says they are going to do some math problems all of the girls have those cartoon eyes and it’s just a blinking sign: panic, panic, panic, abort mission. After them letting us know that there are 30,000 feet in a mile, we moved on to them in a gyroscope. VicP. had flashbacks of the teacups at Disneyworld (voiceover accompanied by just stunning b-roll footage) and Peter comforted her when she hurled in the bathroom. He literally brought her a bottle of water and asked if she was okay and she said no one had ever taken care of her like that. Uhhhhmmm…
Well said Tyler. You’re perfect (collective sigh). Also men, this is why a bunch of hot, successful 20-somethings are single and ready to mingle. Take notes.
Next up was a pilot obstacle course. Essentially the girls had to put jumpsuits on, run through the course, and end in a port-o-potty to change into a pilot’s outfit. I wonder if this is the moment that as a contestant you wonder, “How did I get here? I’m nice and supes pretty…why am I trying to figure out how to spin this stool and crawl fall in front of an industrial fan?” Sympathies to the intern who had to mix and pour whatever substance was at the bottom of the inflatable slide. It literally looked like old spaghetti. Kelley, lawyer from Chicago won but cheated, so asterisks.
Kelley and Peter take a sunset plane ride. The other girls go to a hotel and stew about how she knew him before this show and cheated in the competition. She comes back to awkwardness and it’s essentially 30 seconds of all of them exchanging awkward glances until Peter comes in. Doug’s feedback, “This is phenomenal television.”
He sits down with VicP. and gives her props for braving her motion sickness. Mid-convo, he remembers she said noone has ever given her flowers, so he runs outside to yank some out of the bushes. Speaking of yanking and interns, someone failed hard…couldn’t of had a pair of scissors there for him? It resulted in him giving her a few buds with the longest stems I have ever seen. PS-This whole time she’s wearing glasses which we deemed as refreshingly real. More Doug feedback, “After you throw up or have a headache, sometimes it’s hard to get your contacts back in.” This is the solid gold commentary I get with him you guys.
Kelley steals him which makes the girls more mad, but he loves it and throws her up on an empty bar to makeout with her. Aaaand scene.
First one-on-one date is with basketball star Madison who I think looks a lot like Hannah Ann(a). She’s wearing a pretty pink dress that accentuates her booty and the most horrendous earrings. The whole date is pretty heavy handed. Peter takes her…TO HIS PARENT’S VOW RENEWAL. Recap: they have known each other for about 20 minutes and she’s front row at a private, meaningful family event. I’m sure Aunt fillintheblank was not happy when she lost her prime seating to.
Apparently it was about 1000 degrees at this thing because everyone looked like they had just hopped off an elliptical. All I could think was someone on production help this girl out and get her a brush and some smoothing cream stat. She has a nice chat with Petey’s mom who was giving out skeptical vibes but then declares her love for her. Stakes raised.
Pete and Madison go on a dinner date (i.e. champagne under a pretty tree) and have what seems to be one of the first normal conversations since the show started. They then walk into a private Tenille Arts concert and pretend to know the words of the song they’re singing. We all decided the lead singer was a babe with a good voice and should be a contestant on the show. Weirdly, the entire fam bam shows up and dances with them. End of one-on-one date.
We finally get to the last date-the B Team at an empty auditorium? Theatre? They walk in and Hannah B. is on stage. They do that thing where you paste on a smile but you’re seething inside. They’re justifiably not happy and confused as to why she’s there.
Hannah starts to awkwardly talk about dating Pete and their time in a windmill. Just to make sure it was as gauche as possible, there’s a huge windmill cut out next to her. She tasks them with writing down sex stuff in notebooks while she goes to sulk. Cut to: Producer telling Peter to check on Hannah who is currently experiencing a full blown meltdown…the mascara is everywhere folks. She tells Peter she made a mistake, is questioning everything, feels awkward etc. He asks why she asks Tyler out (valid) and why she didn’t communicate she was thinking he would be in the final two (also valid). More crying, more mascara, he’s now touching her leg=not a good sign for the girls.
It was at this moment that the true absurdity of this show settled in. Here are all these girls trying to date the same guy who is currently off in a corner listening to his ex talk about how she should have picked him (even though he would be her 3rd choice), after they had to listen to her talk about what they did in a windmill, and they’re supposed to be journaling about sexy time. WUT IS HAPPENING. Hannah this is your 4th reality show in a row, go sail off into the sunset. Collect your vitamin gummy collabs, start a podcast, and be done.
Hannah=still crying. Peter is now crying in his talking head. Regardless of what happens with Hannah, this episode had to be cringeworthy to watch for his current fiancé (if that happened) as he is c l e a r l y not over her. She cries more. He asks if she would be a contestant on the show. She doesn’t know. He’s got his arm around her while she sobs. Attempt to blot the mascara tears doesn’t work. And then dundundun to be continued. Whew.
Episode 01:
STYLE MOMENT: Hannah B.’s red dress or Sydney’s sequins.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “Honey, there are some cats and some rats.”
THE REAL MVP: The head singer of Tenille Arts’ braid. Dang.
WINNER WINNER: At this point my pick is Hannah Ann. She handed him a painting, interrupted multiple times, referred to herself in the 3rd person, and had makeout face for the entire first night…and still pulled down the first impression rose. Like, she’s so pretty.
Cheers ladies. Here’s to more champagne and even more Instagram followers.
Sincerely,
Ashley