Pilot Peter • Episode 7
Somehow, Kelsey is still here. And for that matter, so is Vic F.
We’re in Lima, Peru everyone! We start with Peter staring at paintings one of which is a bunch of windmills. The devil works hard, the but ABC producers work harder. We then get to watch the girls do their trip’s annual Instagram lesson as they run into their suite and jump on the bed because they are just that excited. Take note of the living room they’re in because about 50% of the episode happens here.
Kelley’s talking head shows her normal level of apathy, “I didn’t expect to be in Lima…I think we are going to have fun here.” AKA she figured she would be going home before now. She continues on that she hopes she sees some alpacas. Other than saying that she wants Peter to take her to ride on one, she literally says nothing about him or their relationship. This girl does.not.care.
Peter FaceTimes with his mama. He talks about his fears in this process, @sweetnums (yep, her real IG username) says that he needs to believe in love. After this he goes and has a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting of sorts with the girls. He basically says he wants them to be honest with themselves and him about where they’re at in their relationships because, “He is taking this really seriously.”
After he leaves Kelsey says she’s happy to know that he is taking this seriously because she is taking this super seriously. We know you’re taking this seriously Kelsey, you have been crying about how serious it is since Episode 2. This episode is the most we have heard Madison speak the entire season: she has a lot to share, she knows exactly what she wants, she hasn’t had alone time with him “for the last like, forever.” She gets the one-on-one date. Girlfriend, please smooth that hair, I can’t. Ask someone for lotion, buy some Peruvian conditioner, anything. Also, we are now at the humiliating part of the season where they have to pack their suitcase before leaving on their date just in case. So far, she is winning in terms of cute luggage.
Peter meets up with Madison who is dressed like she was dipped in Elmers glue and dragged through a Forever 21 (light wash mom jeans, red ruffle tank top, white sneaks). Peter’s bandage is gone and the wound couldn’t look any grosser. Have they not heard of Shape Tape concealer? Help this poor guy out. He points out the lack of bandage and she says it looks like he got in a fight with a tiger. Uh, not so much, it kind of just looks gross.
They go along the Peruvian coastline and skip rocks. They end up getting on a boat and Madison says that it’s so cute and romantic. Immediate pan out shot to show them on the crappiest boat driven by a stranger. Neither cute nor romantic. Peter says that he likes her legs over his (okedoke). Eventually they get on a yacht with what looks like the same driver. Poor guy, I hope ABC paid him a lot of money. Madison tells Peter she could see a future with him and Peter of course, “Is glad she told him that.”
Back in the hotel room (which looks like a high rise corporate building), Kelsey is busy throwing some subtle shade because she’s a grand champion pot stirrer. She basically says that Madison is super religious who wants a man who is going to be a spiritual leader. She says Madison needs to figure out if the life Peter wants to live works with hers. While I’m sure this is correct, everything that falls out of her mouth seems to be tinged with a bit of shade…like she’s slyly trying to undercut the other girls out of insecurity. It isn’t a cute look. Knock at the door and FINALLY, Natasha gets a one-on-one date with Peter. She’s so excited she says she wouldn’t care if they were just walking down the street…well given the history of this season that’s what your date will be girlfriend, so get prepped.
Back to the date and Madison and Peter are dancing. I’m pretty sure all the dates have consisted of walking around a town and randomly dancing in the middle of the street. We cut to the evening part of their date and she begins speaking about how much she loves her dad, how he loves her mom, and how he has such a great relationship with the Lord. She talks about how important it is to her to find someone like that. Intense panic is all over Peter’s face who responds with, “I want a family one day.” He shares that he was raised in a Christian household and that he feels like he has a lot of room for growth. All fine…BUT THEN. He shares that he is falling in love with her. It’s the first person he has said that to all season. Madison looks like she is about to burst into tears. Convo about God quickly over, he gives her a rose and they makeout in the street.
One-on-one date time with Natasha. Doug and I make bets on if they are going to dance or not on this date. It’s almost odd to see them interacting just because we really haven’t seen a lot of that in any of the episodes. They eat food his Grandma used to make (because remember, he isn’t white) and of course, DANCE with some of the locals who are doing some impressively acrobatic stuff.
Back at the hotel/office, Kelsey sweetly says, “I don’t want her to come home. I don’t.” Super nice of you to be so mean Kelsey, that’s great. If someone said that about you, you would be crying for days.
Back to the date-Peter says that she has shown him more sides than anyone else because of how real she has been with him. He says that she has almost been too honest but that he loves it. Per usual, he doesn’t know what he is saying. Natasha talks about how she’s tough because she grew up with brothers. Upon mention of her brothers/the thought of meeting all of them, Peter looks like he is going to barf. Doug commentary: Can you imagine this wishy-washy meeting fierce Natasha’s brothers? It would be like Idris Elba meeting a child. Sir, I’m going to marry her and love her forever, promise.
Quick cut back to the hotel/office and Kelsey got a one-on-one date. She’s happy because she hasn’t had alone time with him since Cleveland. Doug commentary: Calm down, that was a week ago.
Evening part of the date and Natasha is sharing normal, real thoughts with Peter. He is clearly distracted about his falling in love with Madison which he even acknowledges in his talking head. He drops the bomb that he just isn’t seeing her in a romantic way along with one of the truly dumbest sentences he has ever said, “I might have waited too long.” Essentially, waited too long to see how amazing she was. 100% you did Peter-you spent the first 6 episodes sorting out dumb drama and mitigating crying. He asks if he can walk her out.
The worst part of this entire date is that there is a full string orchestra playing the you’re-going-home-now-because-Peter-friend-zoned-you soundtrack as he walks her to the car. They’re playing the most dramatic music. Is this really necessary? Doug commentary: Imagine getting dumped and then a string orchestra is playing super sad music as you’re escorted to your Tahoe. How terrible.
After they hug goodbye, they show Peter overlooking the string orchestra from a small balcony. It literally looks like the bad guy in an action movie looking out over his seedy empire.
Now for the matter of her bags. All the girls are chatting in the living room when Production Assistant Bouncer Jim Bob comes in and takes Natasha’s bag without a word. The girls are all shocked. Doug is mostly concerned that this random dude apparently access to their room at anytime. Valid.
It’s time for the one-on-one date with Kelsey. Snore. She packs her bag before the date and it’s a wavy texture + purple-hard pass. She loses the suitcase competition. While she’s getting ready I decide she looks like the sisters in White Chicks. Peter is wearing a white henley with a green jacket and cargo pants. It’s just entirely too many pockets…4 on the coat, 2 on the cargo pants=too many. They are on a hill where they find some ATVs which prompts genius Kelsey to ask, “How do you work these?” Women took a big hit during this date.
They drive up a mountain with Kelsey going what had to be about 5-10 MPH. She thought it was so sweet of Peter to keep checking on her, but I think he was shocked she could be traveling at that speed up a mountain. They come to a random hill and Peter says they are going to run to the top. They both collapse at what looks like halfway up. Neither can catch their breath and Kelsey is laying on his lap/chest looking completely gassed. She starts talking about how she wants to work a couple days but then be at home with her kids too. She’s worried that she is going to say something that isn’t what he wants. GIRL: if you and who you genuinely are isn’t what he wants, then I would hope you wouldn’t change it just for him (but I think we all know better).
Evening part of the date and Kelsey says to Peter that she isn’t an emotional person. UHM…
In her talking head, she is of CRYING, AGAIN because she wants Peter to meet her family but isn’t sure he will want to after talking to him. The weirdest part of this date was that outside wherever they’re fake eating major things were happening. The entire time they’re having this fairly serious chat, people were just a’screaming outside. She tells Peter her mom is sweet and is already baking cookies. She basically goes on to say that she has had an on/off again relationship with her dad since her parents divorced. She as of recently, they have reconnected and they are talking…but her mom doesn’t know that yet. Doug: Well maybe the way to tell her isn’t on national television.
Kelsey goes on to say that she could be married and happy right now but doesn’t want to settle and that he is special to her. It’s all he needs to hear. He gives her a rose and says that he admires “her strength and grace.” She has literally been crying since the day she got her. I don’t think those are the particular adjectives I would use to describe her. She says she’s happy he isn’t running for the hills. This is so dramatic…why would he run? Because you are speaking to your dad and your mom doesn’t know? Peter adds that their relationship has been unconventional and he loves that (use of unconventional counter: 1).
Date card comes and says, “Tomorrow won’t be easy.” It’s a 3-on-1 with Kelley, Hannah Ann Banana, and Vic F. Kelley immediately says, “Well we know tomorrow won’t be easy…” #lawyer.
We cut to the morning of the date and Kelley shares that she wishes she could throw the other two in front of a bus. Madison (23) literally pouts when she says that. Is Kelley trying to get sent home? Up until now, I have been fine with Kelley but she really took a hard fall for me in this episode. Instead of coming off as cool and confident, she came off as petty and bitter. She says that Hannah Ann is 23 years old and not in the right phase of life to be in a relationship/Victoria is always breaking down…”overall she’s just like a hot mess.” While I agree with her statement on Vic F., again, the delivery sounded painfully condescending.
Their date takes place on a veranda/home where they meet the owner whose family has had this property in his family for generations. Sorry that we won’t be respecting that family history in any way today, sir. The sweet man tries to understand that Peter is looking for love with all three women…Peter explains it’s a bit unconventional (use of unconventional counter: 2). Kelley has major attitude throughout-when Peter asks Hannah Ann to talk, Kelley literally lays down on the couch they’re sitting on and says she will see them later. Class up girl.
Hannah wrote down the reasons she’s falling in love with Peter. For some reason, it felt really enduring and sweet that she did this (she did dot her i’s with hearts but it’s okay, she’s 23). While they have this sweet moment, Kelley is busy saying more mean stuff:
”Victoria is already melting down.”
”I’m the only one mature enough for a relationship.”
”The weak get cut.”
Kelley and Peter chat and she says that relationships don’t have to be super hard and jumping though hurdles…they can be fun. Peter expresses he wants it to be more than just fun but they still kiss. More mean Kelley talking head:
“Let’s continue this journey, let’s have fun.”
”Chop, chop let’s go.”
”Victoria is like, crazy. Get ride of this drama…praise the Lord just get rid of it.”
Peter talks to Vic F. and they are immediately fighting. Peter says the phrase “in the past” full stop, you have known each other for approx. 30 days total, the word past is a bit generous. Right away, she sasses him and interrupts while he is trying to speak. She says that he is always in a mood when they’re together (newsflash=pretty sure it’s you that’s always in a mood, not him). PEDRO: SEND HER HOME.
Vic F. starts crying, again. She says she doesn’t want to get to the end and then lose him so she finds it easier to not having him in the first place. Do we need to journey back and remind you of the show you auditioned for? Her talking head, “I’m reviewing the conversation in my mind and I’m mortified. I’m annoying to be around.” Why does she always have these moments of clarity after the fact about how crazy she acts?
It’s time for him to give out the 2 roses he has left. Kelley says, “Look at me. I’m an attorney. The other girls? What are they?” Well they’re not being raging b-words right now for one. He takes Vic F. on a walk and instead of escorting her out, he hands her a rose. For some reason he just can’t get past this girl. They have fought on every date they have gone on but somehow, she lives another day. He says their relationship hasn’t been conventional (use of conventional/unconventional counter: 3 million). All of a sudden, Vic F. is “so happy”. Surely.
Peter goes back to where Hannah Ann(a) and Kelley are sitting. He builds everything up in a super awkward way while they are both sitting there. He’s blabbing on and on about what they individually mean to him in cryptic ways…it’s honestly mean. He should have pulled each aside privately like he did for Victoria. Instead of making them sit through this in tandem. In the end, he gives the rose to Hannah Ann who bursts into tears after he goes to walk Kelley out. It seemed like she was just overwhelmed by the weirdness of the situation and in a way, I don’t blame her. Peter could not have handled that in a more uncomfortable way. Kelley stays on the sassy train and says, “Figure out the things you need to figure out” as she gets into the car. In the car she says that the four left are like 4 little babies. Bye Kelley, you get a D- for your performance in this episode.
Peter goes back to Hannah Ann who says she knows this was a tough day on him. They head back to the hotel/office and Kelsey hugs HA like you hug a friend you haven’t seen in years. Remember when you were screaming in her face about a bottle of champagne a couple weeks ago? HOW ARE YOU STILL HERE?
Episode 07:
STYLE MOMENT: Nothing inspired me this episode. I enjoyed Madison’s red jumpsuit but I think I already shouted that out when she wore it for a rose ceremony. In general, must thankful the series of unfortunate earrings seem to have not made the trip to Lima.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: Doug and I just say, “I love that” anytime either of us hear anything. It’s like one of the three phrases Peter is able to express.
THE REAL MVP: The local boat driver who had to deal with Peter and Madison ingesting each other’s mouths for hours on the small boat and then on the fishing yacht. Thanks for doing that so that we could be entertained by these lunatics.
WINNER WINNER: Madison. He literally said he is falling in love with her. I don’t feel like he has said anything even close to the other girls. And to be honest, hoping it’s her in the end…I don’t think I could watch a whole season of her as the Bachelorette.
Buckle up for next week my friends. When family gets involved it’s a whole other ball game.
Sincerely,
Ashley