Pilot Peter • Episode 8
Hometown dates are where the real magic happens.
We start in Knoxville, TN with Hannah Ann(a) Banana. Once Peter arrives she tells him that her dad is in forestry and likes ‘real men’ (cut to Peter having a sick look on his face…let us not forget this is the guy who cut his head getting into a golf cart). They go to an axe throwing place. They’re both equally bad at this.
Adorably, Peter wrote a letter back to Hannah about the things that he loves about her. They read through the list together…y’all this is cute. I kind of like them together.
They arrive at Hannah’s family’s house and they’re all teary eyed seeing her. Her sister is a grade A babe but is wearing the most aggressively sized star necklace. Everyone continues crying other than dad who is stone cold. In his talking head he says, “We’re excited to see Hannah…she brought Peter which is (HUGE SIGH) new and exciting…I guess.” Hannah Ann’s dad is savage.
HA chats with her hot sister and they’re both crying because she’s so happy. Doug commentary: could you infuse some of that emotion into your father who is literally sharpening his machete in the backyard?" Also, can I just say that Peter’s scar is looking particularly bad throughout all of this? Do the makeup people hate him? I can’t not look at it. Peter chats with HA’s mama who continues to say uh-huh, uh-huh until Peter says how he’s falling in love with Hannah and she sounds like she gags. We get mom talking head and ABC really wanted to set the mood-there were about 20 lit candles burning behind her.
Peter chats with Dad and he shares he’s falling in love with Hannah Ann. He says that he planned to tell her tonight. This throws up all the red flags for dad who says that he wishes he wouldn’t tell her that unless he really means it. He literally says, “Don’t waste the word.” This guy is all biz. There’s a crazy stare down and then the end of the date-no meal? Just a weird living room meeting?
They sit on the front porch and he tells her that he’s falling in love with her. Doug commentary: Boom, final 2…her and the one that kind of looks like her.
He’s not wrong.
Next up is Kelsey and DesMonies, IA. You can tell that Peter is from California considering he’s walking around in a beanie and gloves while Kelsey is just wearing a thin jacket. They head to a winery where they do some grape stomping. Shocker alert, they dance in the grapes. They go inside and start mixing up their own wine. Peter’s talking head is him droning on with different words that describe their relationship and wine: our connection is bold, flavorful, a bit spicy…okay Peter, goodness.
Me during this date:
Kelsey says that Peter can name it and he says, “We are going to call it…wine.” OKEDOKE. Kelsey says that she loves him. He says thank you for that. Ugh, not sure why but everything between them just feels awkward for some reason.
They go to Kelsey’s house which I am convinced is an AirBNB. It looks like a staged house that’s ready for a real estate listing…so many vases in trays and fake succulents. Peter has crab rangoons for the first time which is shameful. Pete, you are from Los Angeles but you didn’t eat crab rangoons until you went to I-o-w-a?
Kelsey’s mom is an absolute weirdo (who Doug said has the definition of crazy eyes) who says that Peter “entered easily”…as in entered the house easily. This is now the standard apparently. She goes on to say, “My daughter gives emotion easily”…yes lady we have watched her give away emotional easily since she screamed at a girl over a bottle of champagne. We cut to Kelsey and her sisters, the blondetourage, who she is telling about how much she has cried during this experience. I’m bored.
Before leaving, Kelsey reinforces with Peter that she loves him. Again, he sidesteps the comment. He’s not feeling it…you can just tell. Sorry Kels, I think it’s over for ya.
Third date is in Auburn with Madison and her bad hair. We are on the university grounds which for some reason just adds to her looking like a little girl. She’s literally wearing a stack of bracelets like she’s a camp counselor (ya know the ones with beads and crap). They go to the gym and naturally, Charles Barkley is on the screen yelling at Peter about how he needs to be nice to Madison. As always, thank you Charles for using your time for weirdness like this.
The head coach comes out to talk to them and Madison is teary eyed. He congratulates her on being in 2, Final 4s in the same year. She’s literally a baby. She says that this is her dream. They do dribbling contests-shouts to Madison for her skills, play one-on-one, and makeout on center court.
We finally head home and Doug points out that all of the kids look like the dad except for Madison. Not sure exactly what that means, but again, he isn’t wrong. Madison’s crazy family introduces us to the concept of a ‘special plate.’ At all of their family dinners they give someone a special plate and it means we have to go around the table and say something nice about the owner of the special plate. It couldn’t be weirder as everyone takes a turn saying something about how great Madison is. They also do a toast with their sweet tea which looks like toliet water.
Mom pulls Madison into a chat and they sit on their bed (gross) while they chat. She says, “Obviously, he’s very handsome” okay mom, calm yourself down. Her and Madison then do a weird word dance around the fact that she’s a virgin. Instead of just saying it, they keep saying vague statements about her standards/what she’s chosen. Did y’all not catch Colton’s season? This franchise is not afraid of the word virgin so just say it. Mom talks about how she hopes Peter can respect Madison’s choices. Mrs. Pruitt, this is the guy known for doing stuff in a windmill four times-they are not on the same page here.
Peter chats with dad which couldn’t be more uncomfortable. Dad’s name is Chad which is the most fitting name we have gotten yet this season. I’m so sorry but I was completely thrown off by his overall demeanor…and look. Doug commentary: I have a hard time believing he is a basketball coach…he doesn’t look athletic at all. That guy has a Pokemon collection, promise. Their chat couldn’t be more uncomfortable.
Peter: I’m falling in love with her.
Chademon: Right, right.
Peter: [blank stare]
Chademon: She’s just so pure.
Chad, your daughter was just on top of this guy at center court on what’s technically your office, let’s not throw stones here.
We cut to a chat with Madison and her dad which looks like it’s taking place at the Bachelor mansion. Dad is blabbing about how she’s pure etc. and her response? “I love you. I don’t want to leave. Tonight brought me back to harsh reality.” Okay, so not the best sign that she wants to stay here, but also makes sense considering she’s an adolescent. They kiss on the front porch but Madison acts a bit standoff-ish since everyone in her family has been reminding her of her…ahem…standards. SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST ALREADY. She talks about how she should probably tell him. Yea girl that would be a wise idea considering his past conquests #hannahb.
Final date is Victoria in Virginia Beach. Peter meets up with her on the beach and we get our first pet. Peter has to walk her dog down the beach and then they head to one of those old time-y photo places where you play dress up and get a photo with a Sepia filter. After photo time they get ice cream and she lets her dog lick her freaking ice cream cone. I love our little pup but people who share their food in that way with their dog=hard pass for me. After transferring germs with her dog, they randomly walk to a bar? patio? restaurant? and country star Hunter Hayes is there. Victoria is Icarus-ing here…flying a bit close to the sun girlfriend. You really thought it was the best move to have another country music star on your date? Don’t you remember what happened last time?
As if we haven’t had enough we get more of Peter dancing. Victoria wins an award for most cringey/annoying talking head with naming the other girls by name and telling them to go home because she’s future Mrs. Weber. Hard pass. Peter and Victoria both love Hunter Hayes apparently and actually know the words to this song…which are noteworthy: “I don't want easy, I want crazy.” Well Peter if that’s what you’re interested in you hit the powerball jackpot with this girl. HH: enjoy having the #1 song on iTunes for the next 4 days.
As Peter’s walking to his car, someone calls his name and it’s a girl named Merissa who we will later find out is his ex-girlfriend. Weird considering he says, “You looked so familiar.” Welp that’s because she’s your ex-girlfriend apparently. She gives him an ominous warning about Victoria saying that he should be careful. She goes on to say that she has mutual friends and that “many relationships have broken up because of her. You don’t deserve who you are on a date with…you’re a good guy.” YIKES. This of course shakes Peter who is now distraught about the evening part of the date where you meet the girl’s family.
Peter arrives and Victoria is all excited. They sit down to chat before going in and when he says that his ex-girlfriend whose name is Merissa was at the concert it looks like Victoria pooped her pants. She says that there’s so much drama allll the time (dingdingding girl, it’s you). Peter isn’t accusatory just says that he is wondering what the deal is. CAUGHT. She immediately gets sassy instead and saying the normal phrases she says: I don’t know what to do, I’m so done with this, I can’t. Finally Peter stands up for himself a bit and says, “Do you ever fight for anything you want?”
Par for the course with her she’s crying and walks away. As usual. She eventually circles back around with him and she’s hot.
Vic: You’re taking this stupid girl’s side. How are we supposed to do this?
Peter: By having a conversation.
This girl is gaslighting him like crazy…so insanely manipulative. Peter tells her that she deserves to be loved and hops in the car. Doug commentary: It’s fine. That wasn’t her family anyway…none of them look like they’re from the same family.
The next morning, Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel room. She says she hated out the night before went and reiterates that she’s falling in love with him. Again, his scar is so tough to not stare at. Anyway, he again stands up for himself and says, “I don’t think you want me to love you.” More crying from her and whining about how she just can’t walk away from him. Peter continues to stand his ground and says, “But you kind of do” which is genius. He says that he isn’t ready to make a call right this second and that he will see her at the rose ceremony. She sobs in the hallway, Peter stares at the photo of the two of them at the antique place. It’s like a bad soap opera.
It’s rose ceremony time and just in case you forgot about Petey Propellers, they’re in an airplane hangar. Chris Harrison shows up for the first time in the episode to greet the girls on their way in.
Madison: Spangly jumpsuit and more bad earrings
Hannah Ann: Bringing the HEAT in a little black dress. Dang.
Kelsey: Velvet emerald colored dress who tells Chris “I told him I love him.” Cut to Chris’ face which is a smile but internally screaming, this girl is batty.
Victoria: Is “just okay.”
In her talking head, Victoria complains about not having a hometown date. Nope, you had a hometown date, you just wrecked it. Hannah Ann gets the first rose, Madison the second one, aaaand…HE KEEPS VICTORIA. Let’s be real, he kept her because of what next week is. Peter walks Kelsey out (yawn) and comes back to tell the gals they’re going to Australia. Madison doesn’t drink her champagne and instead asks if they can go talk (she’s worried about the nature of next week’s dates considering her, standards). Australia legggo!
Episode 08:
STYLE MOMENT: Kelsey’s emerald green, velvet dress as she was being walked to the limo. Goodbye crazy Kelsey, it’s been a real treat.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “We’ll call it…wine.”
THE REAL MVP: Merissa for dropping some truth about Victoria and keeping us from having to spend more time with her family…given the outtake of them talking about how their Nana kisses people, I’m real glad we didn’t have to endure more of that mess.
WINNER WINNER: I’m thinking that he really likes Madison but there’s something really natural and adorable about his interactions with Hannah Ann. Slash, I think Madison’s revelation is about to be a problem for him.
We’re getting there people. Fantasy stuff next week and then FINALLY we are down to two.
Sincerely,
Ashley