Pilot Peter • Finale, Part 1
We finally learn who @sweetnums was crying about…
They play the preview from last week first. Ya know, Peter wandering around the desert, etc. Doug commentary: I hope that coyote eats him. After the preview, we have to go to the live studio where Chris Harrison yet again, recaps this season (yes Chris, we just watched it we’re all set).
Back to Australia. Peter says that the landscape reminds him of falling in love with someone. Okay coolcoolcool Petey, you’re the weirdest. Apparently the styling team lost their steamer on the way because his shirt is all crazy kinds of wrinkled. He meets up with his family in a B Team AirBNB and his mom (who looks different in Australia) loses her ever loving mind when he walks in. @sweetnums, you need to calm yourself down.
Peter gives his parents and brother the rundown of the season. He explains to them how Madison isn’t cool with the whole intimacy thing. They’re not impressed. While he’s talking it looks like they’re doing complicated mental math…let us not forget these are the people who CHEER'D their kid on when they found out he did windmill stuff with Hannah 4 times…on national television. They share that they are concerned she didn’t bring this up sooner (THANK YOU). Peter gets snippy and tells them they have to understand what she means to him. Mmmkay, sure.
Brother: Do they both like the scar?
Peter: Yea.
All of us at home: No, we are all repulsed by it. We’re all Amazon Prime-ing you some Neosporin as we speak.
It’s time for the fam to meet Hannah Ann. She’s in tears talking about how much she loves Peter. They sit down with everyone and chat about first meeting, when she knew she loved him etc. She’s tearing up a bit as she speaks-aka killllling it with his parents. His mom says that they remind her of them when they were a young couple. Shouts to you Hannah Ann, you’re checking all the boxes.
She chats with mom and dad and gives an incredible performance. She says ALL of the right things about her feelings and their future, “He’s given me the gift of loving someone.” Girl, kuddos. The date ends with Peter chatting with his dad about how difficult this is because he’s in love with two women. Dad asks him if he’s leaning one way or the other and he basically just says that he needs to speak to Madi because “one of them is making it easy on me and the other one not so easy.” Peter, you just said everything you need to say. SEND MADISON HOME ALREADY.
Time for Madison to meet the parents. Chris Harrison assures us that it’s “something so different, so emotional you have to see it to believe it.” Chris, calm yourself.
Madison and her eyelashes arrive and Peter barely looks happy to see her. Thanks to the Production Assistant/Editor who makes sure that we can once again hear his heart beating when they hug. Her outfit seems like an odd choice: cropped jeans and a black turtleneck tank. She lets Peter know that she isn’t doing good. SIGH, here we go.
She says that she wasn’t okay with their last conversation after she shared the weight/gravity of the week. Girl, again, if this was so important why didn’t you communicate this so much earlier? And while we’re asking questions, why are your hoops so big? She says the rug was taken because he didn’t do what she wanted. Sidebar: the literally/like counter at this point:
Finally, Peter stands up to her and says that she’s the only person still involved that he doesn’t know how she feels. He also calls her out for what felt like an ultimatum. Good for you Peter because regardless of the validity of her morals, it was an ultimatum. Madison continues that his decisions affect their relationship (sure) and he comes back with, “But do you understand that I’m not only in a relationship with you?” Thank you Peter.
They whisper talk about how they want this to work. She weirdly starts blurting out sentences about herself and bragging about how she’s still here. Of course, we have to be reminded of her dad and basketball. Shocked Charles Barkley didn’t pop up yelling the awkward Auburn chants. Although it has nothing to do with anything, Madison oh so humbly shares:
-She’s still here
-She’s fighting
-She’s strong willed
-She’s loyal to a fault
-She’s protective of her people
-She doesn’t give up
After all the self talk, she tells Peter that she’s in love with him. He gets giddy and it’s gross. Don’t worry as if it wasn’t odd enough, she refuses to kiss him even after he asks multiple times. THIS GIRL IS THE WORST. They head inside where we get a much less warm reception than Hannah Ann got. Dad goes right for the jugular and asks what the road block was between them. Madison says it was about fantasy suites while switching her mouth from one side to the other. Madison, please stop doing that I’m so distracted.
Madison and dad talk (more mouth twitching) and he asks if they are compatible. She says that there are a lot of differences…that faith is her whole life but that Peter said “he can grow that.” This is one of my major issues with her…she is putting all weight on the fantasy suites but at this point, it doesn’t bother her that their daily lives in terms of how it intersects with religion is also so very different.
We cut to Peter chatting with brother who essentially says you like to have sex soooo how is that going to work. He’s like basically you aren’t a good Christian…you go line dancing etc. when you get home from trips. What is happening. Peter puts his sassy pants on and says, “Well of course I have to compromise myself.” Hmm, not a good sign Peter.
We get Madison talking to @sweetnums about Peter’s lifestyle. She says he socializes, he parties, and explains she doesn’t want anyone to change him. Fair. She goes on to say that she understands her values but that it’s only his choice what he does or does not do with other girls he has feelings for. Madison interrupts (regardless of anything, bad move) to say her feelings are just as valid as his and that she didn’t tell him what to do…except for how you did and again, we have circled back to Madi. This is all about her after all.
Mercifully, their meeting finally ends. Doug commentary: Hey Madi, do you want to know how it went? It went bad girl. Peter says that she’s the most selfless person he’s ever met. Peter, I’m not sure you understand what that word means. He says goodbye to Madison and heads back in. His family essentially asks why he would be having a hard time with his decision considering one is in love with him and the other is nothing but drama and fighting.
@sweetnums is having an absolute breakdown. She bluntly says, “She’s not there for you.” While it was harsh, I appreciated the directness of it. So many of the parents on this show are wishywashy with their feedback…I don’t hate the candor. She says, “Madison is a sweet girl but Hannah Ann is an angel on earth.” In her talking head she says that she wants him to make the right choice and that a mother’s intuition is never wrong.
Peter gets defensive of Madi and says that their relationship has been perfect. Ha. Ha.
After some more talking, we finally get the iconic moment we have all been waiting for. His mom saying, “Bring her home…bring her home to us.” She’s talking about HANNAH ANN. Peter tells his mom that she needs to stop. He leaves and goes to reflect while sitting on a rock. He says, “I want Madi more than anything.”
Madison and Peter have their last one-on-one date. They take a helicopter to Ulurururluru (?) because it’s spiritual. Relax Pete, we get it you’re trying to force it. Madison is talking about how she is having a hard time being present because she just isn’t sure about things and says, “It’s time to surrender.” Madi, please just leave already this is getting real old.
They sit on a towel in the middle of a desert which is apparently a mating ground for bugs. The entire scene they are constantly swatting bugs out of their faces. She says once again, “Can love conquer all.” Seriously, why do you continue to speak in bad cliches? She says that she loves him and wants this but that sometimes love makes you blind. Prep yourself for another cliche: Sometimes being a good warrior is knowing when to surrender.” HUH?
LIkelikelikelikelike love still wins, love conquers all, I’m willing to walk away so you can get what you came here to find. Peter finally sees past the inspirational quotes and calls out that YA KNOW, 2 DAYS AGO she said she could see herself saying yes if he had proposed in that moment. She says that things changed for her the night of fantasy suites and is concerned about their differing views on marriage, faith, and lifestyle. Doug commentary: Can we please move them to a place where there aren’t so many bugs?
Madison decides to leave. He walks her to the car (more bugs) they hug forever (more bugs), and finally she is gone. Glad she made sure it was the most drawn out, painful departure ever. Doug commentary: Glad she’s gone. Peter you’re a bad bachelor. And a bad son. And a bad brother. You’re a bad everything. Bye Madi, that was absurd. Take your eyelashes and be done.
Peter wakes up the next morning broken hearted. Honestly, wherever they have him staying doesn’t look nice but I liked the joggers he was wearing. He meets up with Chris Harrison who addresses him as ‘bud’ (apparently Peter’s mama made a phone call to let CH know what Peter likes to be called). Chris so eloquently says, “Heard what happened. Sorry.” Thanks for being here Chris, here’s thousands of dollars. CH asks if he can get over the heartbreak of Madison or if this is the end for him. No conclusions.
Time for his date with Hannah Ann. Poor girl, she’s really been a casualty of Madison’s theatrics and Peter’s addiction to drama. I really like HA but she chose a rough outfit for this date and a rougher hair style. A park ranger looking gentleman takes them to the cutest santuary on the planet: a baby kangaroo house where they hold and bottle feed kangaroos. The little babies are a-dorable.
It’s at this point while Hannah Ann and Peter are playing with baby kangaroos that I get mad at Madison. You should have told him all of this a long time ago. You should have stated all of your feelings before he got so far down the road. You should have expressed what an issue the fantasy suites would be a looong time ago instead of springing this on him in the last week of this entire thing. You knew the show you were signing up for but when it materialized…ya know, into the show you signed up for, you held it against him. Peter and Hannah Ann seem to truly like each other but I can’t blame him for being distracted when someone else he loves left the day before. It was a selfish move on Madi’s part and unfortunately, HA is taking the brunt of it.
They head to a spot in the middle of the desert too and he thanks her for always being there for him. She says that she can tell something is off and that she wants him to be certain of his feelings. Breaks my heart for her…again, his addition to Madison’s drama isn’t her fault.
We skip to the evening part of their date. HA is wearing a nice dress and Peter shows up in a zip up hoodie. You’re just a real star, bro. She gushes about how much she loves him and he basically whines to her about how his heart is being torn in two different directions. Mind you, he has not told her that Madi left. This really upsets her because she feels like she continues to give and not get anything back. She says that it isn’t what she wanted to hear the night before he might propose. Uh, yea, valid girlfriend. She starts crying a bunch and he doesn’t do a whole lot. And that’s kind of how he lets the night end. You feel bad for her that she is the unknowing bystander in this situation.
And that’s it. Goodness. Tomorrow is the true finale and in the preview we see him feeling like he’s going to faint, more tears from mama @sweetnums, and dundundun, the return of Madi’s eyelashes. I mean Madi.
Finale, Part 1:
STYLE MOMENT: Style took a real hard L in this episode. @sweetnums’ tube top. Peter’s weird wrinkled linen shirts. Madison’s dress shirt with mom jeans. Hannah Ann’s black shorts and high top sneakers. Just bad all the way around.
QUOTE I’M ADDING TO MY LIFE: “When you get home from a trip you like to go line dancing.” Don’t we all.
THE REAL MVP: Hannah Ann. She’s not perfect, but she was understanding, kind, loving, selfless, patient, sane…essentially everything Madison wasn’t.
WINNER WINNER: Who knows, who cares. This entire season is such a dumpster fire, I can’t.